Caged Within a Nightmare

Words are incapable of expressing my silent rage,
rage at myself for locking me to the confines of my own cage.

It's been an eternity, it seems. since I have felt such innocent bliss,
how ecstatic I felt even before when it was still just a kiss.
Then that night, our connection flowed electrically,
we both glowed from the inside out, smiling quite frequently.

Shyness still intact but I felt I could just be me,
so there we were just gazing at each other till we'd burst out laughing.
No words required or said, as our faces took turns rotating shades of red,
nervousness starting to remit, as we fell asleep talking, not desiring the night to end.
How my melancholy emotions prior had evaporated away,
with every look that said more then words could convey.

Yet my guard went up due to what the past has put me through,
and the situation, the uncertainties, have cast me back into the blue.
I merely wished to ensure that this was not a game,
and instead my selfishness, my insecurities have led me to be ashamed.

I‘m screaming inside, deafening my thoughts with the echo's of a cavernous heart,
The constant agony of the few memories, hopes, dreams, they wrench me apart.
I feel as if I am to fade into some abysmal, tormenting nightmare constantly taunting,
The fact I chose to question and doubt your stability, makes this nightmare seem to become my sadistic reality.

I’ve lost my chance, when I should have followed my instinct,
and as quickly as you blew a kiss and winked,
I knew that any hope was now extinct.

Sorry, if I hurt you and showed how thoughtless I can be,
I can’t undo what has been done you see,
but know this fact, that in those moments, I was happy.

Copyright © Mara Heller | Year Posted 2022

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