Before the Silence
Lord, why do you deal me such trials and tribulation?
Why do you turn away from my desperate plea?
What terrible sin is it that I have committed?
With an honest mind that refused to cheat,
With a rational soul meant to guide my steps,
I buried myself in books within the silent library.
Only to face the endless failing of the certification exams,
Followed by the fleeting, fragile days of a substitute English teacher.
Now as spring, summer, autumn, and winter spin by,
That sacred starting line called spring
No longer exists for me.
Watching over my seventh-generation cat,
I too once held bright dreams and burning hopes.
Now, I just want to let it all go.
One side of me aches with raw pain, while the other throbs with a strange thrill,
And upon that precarious, trembling border,
I gaze out at the world, and inward at my own life.
Lord, tell me truly, what have I done so wrong?
Rather than living like this, declare total war upon this place,
And sweep away my breath once and for all!
Then, liberation from the seventh-generation cat—
Liberation from this crushing, solitary loneliness,
Liberation from gnawing hunger!
Liberation from the heavy chains of the Nasdaq futures!
How desperately I yearn for the past.
When sweat beaded heavy on my brow,
When today was crowned with a cold glass of beer,
And tomorrow’s hope stretched out wide just for me.
Yet now, left with nothing at all,
Only a lost, wandering soul remains.
Tell me, Lord, what fault is truly mine?
Others marry and build stable, steady lives,
While I, despite my endless striving in the library,
Remain anchored only to dreams unfulfilled.
"Surely, one day I will pass the exam."
Yet not a single hand reached out to hold me up.
Just as David once cried out, "Do not forsake me,"
I raise my voice to shout the opposite:
Now, forsake me entirely!
Cast away this seventh-generation cat!
Cast away this life that feels like a Harlem alley!
If death is not my own choice to make,
If someone else were to choose it for me,
Would there truly, finally, be a heaven waiting there?
And the Lord spoke, saying:
"Do not question me, and do not demand answers.
This, exactly as it is, is your life.
Do not try to tear yourself away from it;
That very existence is your true life.
Do you remember when you nearly died ten times riding a bicycle in your youth?
It was I who guarded you through every fall.
I granted you the breath of life,
The grace to gaze upon this beautiful world and cherish its people,
And even the path of the substitute teacher.
What more could you possibly desire?
If you are in the mountains, do not strive to become the sea;
If you are of the sea, do not wish to become the mountain.
Simply feel the rhythm of your own breath,
And awaken to the consciousness within you!
I have never, not once, abandoned you!
Just as you rarely notice the precious warmth of the sunlight,
You simply fail to see that I am watching over you, unbroken.
Just as you do not realize
That My own voice has always been hidden
Within the quiet cry of your seventh-generation cat."
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