Beastly Appetites (Repost In Original Dialect)
Well, 'e sidled up the sofa, and he snuggled up right close…
I said, “Now, watch it, Charlie, you’ll get ***-ash on me toast!”
'E said, “D’you think…?” I said, “Not much…” 'e said, “No, well, I mean…”
I said, “You what…?” 'E said, “You know…” I said, “Now, keep it clean!”
Well, he snuck his arm around me, an' I thought, “WOW! This is IT!”…
Then he suddenly pinched me cherry, an' he gave it a dribbly lick!
I yelled, “Gerroff…!” 'E said, “Come on, I 'aven’t 'ad it yet…”
I said, “You do, I’ll chuck yer out!” 'E leered, “D’yer wanna bet?”
WELL…
I snatched it out of his fingers, an' I put it back in place.
'E sighed, “Ahh, don’t it look lovely…” OOH! I could’ve slapped 'is face!
'E said, “that the time? I’ll 'ave ter go…” I said, “What’s up with you?”
He said, “Yer know…” I said, “I don’t!” … Then 'e went, - and IT went, too!
WELL!!!!
I thought he wanted my body, and a night of illicit fun…
But all he was really after was… The cherry off my BUN!!!!
This is in the style of the old-time comedian's monologue.
I particularly thought of Les Dawson, but we all remember a favourite.
In Northern English dialect, all small cakes are called buns ...
Copyright © Frances King | Year Posted 2009
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