Ascending To Zero

And thus I wake from my 30 month slumber Fuzzy headed and cotton-mouthed As pristinely damaged as before my rest When my Reaper drew our curtains closed Living life in a trance isn't new to me I don't think I've ever truly woken up It's easy to define my past with hindsight to guide me But I don't think I've ever not felt this way Pale, drawn, immobile, deified I've conquered endless barriers and lovers As some passive observer behind a screen This body is mine, but I am truly just a brain A gunshot to the chest, a fist to the nose Nothing hurts as much as fear And thus only in fear do I truly feel alive And only in fear am I ever roused from slumber But exposure has made me sluggish No longer as potent an aphrodisiac All the old warning signs are slipping Further and further away, I descend Submerged in these ancestral waters Unable to catch my breath and swim to the surface I lay on the bottom of this lake, staring skyward As the currents erode my frame Locked within my skull, trapped within my brain An oval stone could break these chains And serenade me with serotonin once again And let me move again I've seen it so many times now The Reaper unlocking her potential My friends and mother, not forced into greatness But merely returning to zero In a world of Negative, do I dare return to zero? Do I admit these last few years are real And acknowledge that I've wasted my 20s Chasing some childish image of justice? Or will they fail me in the first place? Wrack me with side effects or fail to restore me Take my dream of freedom and break it Condemning me to a life in chains It is fear that defines me Fear that forces me to advance Fear that drives me to plant my feet and defend And fear that will make me look back in remorse For as always, I will fetishize this time in life And simultaneously curse the opportunities I squandered For if I free myself now, I'll regret not doing so sooner And thus I am paralyzed eternally So kill me now, Reaper Finish the job you let me escape 30 months ago Return to zero, sacrifice yourself and put me down For if anyone is to kill me, I'd want it to be you.