Another 5 steps

I'm so tired. The machinery of my body feels like it's failing, I'm grasping at the air praying there's something to hang onto, I'm gritting my teeth and squinting my eyes in the struggle to see anything worth living for, Because it all feels like it's over. It feels like I dove headfirst into a shark tank with a nosebleed, and then convinced myself the sharks were approaching to save me. I never got where I wanted to. I don't see how I could get there anymore. I keep following the centerline in the road, Telling myself '5 steps then another 5 after that", And I'm still here. And I'm still nowhere. I'm exhausted. I've been working so hard to find anything that can make it stop hurting. It doesn't. I am in love with someone who cannot feel joy anymore. He only feels anger. I told him tonight he made me feel unwanted. He told me he "doesn't know what I want him to say about that". I wanted him to say he wanted me. I know he does not. He craves the convenience I bring. He says he loves how I'm the only person he can treat this badly and I still love him. I have begged him to treat me better. He congratulates me for being treated badly, as if I allowed this with no hesitation. As if I should take pride in being his punching bag, because it makes him feel better. I feel awful. I feel like I am worth nothing to him but the satisfaction I can supply when he wants it. I feel like the entire world blames me for this. I went to a counselor who I thought could help me get out. She asked me why I let him hit me. I didn't go back to her. I have left him, and he chiseled his way back into the frame of my life. I have said everything I am supposed to say, I have tried to be strong. It feels like asking him to hurt me now. It's been 7 years of this, I didn't want this - I don't let him do this, I am stuck. I am jobless, moneyless, and homeless without him. I am isolated, I am literally thousands of miles from my family, and I am trying. It just isn't working out.