Am I a lie?

Am I a lie? In the silent depths of my thoughts, I wonder if I am just a fabrication, Some days I want to disappear, lost in the abyss of a meaningless existence, Each day a masquerade, a mask over a mask, hiding my true essence, An essence so unclear, indistinguishable from any other shadow, I feel the need for help, but the clarity of reality has long faded, Sometimes I wonder, “Am I truly alive?” in a world that rushes past me. I feel like a ghost, drifting through the endless corridors of time, Observed but never truly seen, no one wonders where I’ve been. Red eyes, weary sighs, under the overwhelming weight pressing on my shoulders, I carry a boulder of despair, unmatched by any other burden. I know I need help, but do I really, or is it an illusion? I just want someone to care, to turn words into meaningful sound, I text, but my dream is to have someone to call, Someone waiting for me at home, to share wasted time. A person to hold me, a partner who stays, I smile and ask people how they are, sensing when something is wrong, A person who likes people but never wants to lead, I give and they just take, until there’s nothing left of me, Sometimes I wonder if my friends are real or just shadows. Always falling behind, rushing to catch up, First to ask, "How are you? " but last invited to any gathering, They say they love me, but doubts whisper silently about their sincerity. I spend my nights in desperate silence, filled with the sound of tears, My chest chained by an invisible anchor, Hands and feet bound by unseen ties, free but not free, Imprisoned but without bars, I want to speak but fear being a burden, So I stay on my path, in unbearable loneliness. I long to feel pain, a suffering I can control, But the fear of judgment keeps me away from the flames of suffering, If something happens, I say it was a mistake, Though the words on my tongue feel false, lies flow like sweet honey, More pleasant than salt, more valuable than gold. I’ve stopped dreaming of the day I’ll find peace, Vaguely remembering what it meant to be calm, Infected by an invisible disease, seen by no one, And if I disappeared, no one would wonder where I went. Noise, noise resounding in my ears, Silence, silence begging to soothe my fears, But I know only one way, so I whisper a final goodbye, Dare I say it? Can I muster the courage? I know it’s just a lie, Courage, courage – what others have but I don’t, The courage to live or to end it all, forever in limbo, Neither here nor there, always on the edges of life, Not weak but not strong, neither local nor foreign. I WANT to fit in, to live should be a sin, I WANT to say "I’m fine " and believe it, But what I want and what I get are worlds apart. Days crawl in agony, feeling the mask slip, No one would love me if I let the mask fall, Someone, please, end this suffering, Would they like me as I am now, in this fragile state? No version of me measures up to expectations, Neither mine nor others’. I KNOW I NEED HELP, Someone, please, help!