All I Know
Pain is all I know,
Rest brings no hope because
I always have to return to the abuse of my choices,
choices driven by mental illness,
and addiction,
and a gender identity crisis....
choices of fear and avoidance and rage....
choices I don't choose but they choose me,
choices that fool me into thinking
that it will get better when I finally choose wisely....
Abuse is all I know
The bats swing and pound my body,
the culprits saying,
"This will teach you to surrender!"
"This will teach you that God loves you!"
"This will teach you to choose wisely!"
So I lay still...
to move means I can take more,
to move means I have more to learn,
when learning leaves you in less awareness
than you were in when you knew less
All the virtues the devil knows how to utilize as well.
Hope is a tool he uses to trick you into
committing more to what kills you...
Gratitude is a trick demons use to get you to
tolerate the unacceptable...
Love is his favorite lie because often it leaves you
empty-handed as you chase and chase and chase it...
All I'm left with is Faith,
which he can use to fool you into surrender
but since I have nothing left to lose,
I must turn it over to you...
Loneliness is All I know
No dress I put on will fit me into my skin.
No high heels can walk me into an accepting community.
No blush can color me into a mood that lightens the weight
my heavy heart.
I'm left with myself.
All I know is I choose healing,
but my choices leave me in pain
So what do I do NOW?
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