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The hurt builds inside, with no way to get free from within. It’s havoc safely locked away, unable to wreak the divine chaos it so desires To spread like poison amongst cravings of unbridled fury. To inflict on the soul that ignited this bitterness still left unspoken, Screaming on the inside, paint on my smile, and look happy for the camera. Why is it my heart cannot abide the counsel of my mind? I would not have this anger and thirst for destruction dwelling on my mind. The shattered glass has fallen in shards by my feet, The leftover pieces of an emotion that doesn't fascinate me like it did before. Always dancing out of my grasp, tempting me to seize what I cannot. The illusions of my mind, the ones where I was loved, and I was happy, Begin to disintegrate around me, flour and water mix, then become a paste. One small, with its fiction and fantasies, it weaves a giant web of deceit. I tried so hard to make them see that love has a cruel cycle it follows, Demanding devotion, with it's array of charms and sober unrealities. Impacts are worse on the naïve; truth becomes a chaos loosed in their souls. The fright, shock leaves me standing alone not knowing where or who I am. Bewildered, I wonder why I took this chance at potential annihilation, The fabrication of my life filled with the wreckage of my self-destruction, My downfall closing in quickly, I can taste defeat, like bile in my mouth The flavor burns as it fills my mouth, I spit, foul though it may be, I have unwillingly endured exposure to harsh realities, I can take no more. Seclusion begins to soften my still raw emotions so I examine them up close. Barriers stand on end, like a firewall, made of unyielding rocks and stones. This time it will take more than charm and whit to break them down. No big bad wolf to blow down my walls, strong in their assembly, My refuge is sturdy, well built and formidable, and that is the way I need it. Once again, I have restored my sanity, if only for the moment, and for now, I will watch the daily lives of those around me, unable to participate, again. One day I will rejoin the world, but for now I will stay behind my walls, I will watch from afar and dream of the time I was on the outside, Even if only for a moment in time, I was there and I tasted the air out there.

Copyright © | Year Posted 2005

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Book: Shattered Sighs