Derek Chos Poet Free verse

A Woman's Questions to her Long-Dead Grandfather

I only cry when you hold me
And through you, I can feel the world around me
O captain, my captain
I'll sail the choppiest of seas with ye
I feared your title as I feared the grave
A death sentence made a joke by my lineage
Of course the paddy bastard would die a drunk
Yet I've never seen a sunrise at home

If I heard a voice, would it be acceptable?
If the fae whispered to me, would fermented fruit sing to me?
To die a stereotype, is that my ultimate goal?
Would the coroner giggle before embalming me?

Who were you, grandpa?
I can only grasp at stories from those you harmed
As no one loves you in the modern day
Sixteen years removed, no one must act in that play

It's been longer than it hasn't
To repeat that phrase I love so dearly
Yet even as the seed that grew me
Did I ever love you?

I don't think I truly know you
And I don't think I ever can
When you've affected the only ones I can ask so strongly
You'll only ever be a demon or a saint

Am I the only one to think of you?
I barely think of my own father
So how do your myriad daughters think of you?
When so many of your beloved have passed as well?

Pain
Ignorance
Malice
Death

Was the world worse for your existence?
If I asked your descendants
Would the question make them pause?
Or shout at me again in anger?

I can feel you every time I smoke
With every drag, I can feel your hands on my shoulders
Are you telling me to walk away?
Or offering me a glass of scotch as you sing my praises?

Your seed bore equilibrium
As I cast masculinity to the grave
Another happily bore it as their mantle
Grandson? Granddaughter? How would you see us?

Perhaps I ask too much of the dead
But I cried at your funeral, so you owe me this much
The last waning vestiges of masculinity call to you
For I have no grandfathers to question anymore.

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