[typing sounds]
Dr. Stewart: Hi, [I'm] Dr. Stewart.
Gary Phelps: Hi, Dr. Stewart. Nice to meet you -- I'm Gary Phelps.
Dr. Stewart: My pleasure. Gary, have you ever been hypnotized before?
Gary Phelps: No, I haven't. I'm actually quite nervous, but I just, uh,I --
Dr. Stewart: All right, and you were referred to me by anyone...?
Gary Phelps: To be honest with you, I saw your name in the Yellow Pages,and It said you're good at this stuff, so I just, I gotta give it ashot, just kick this whole cigarette thing...
Dr. Stewart: So smoking is your problem?
Gary Phelps: Yeah, I can't stop smoking and it's -- it's finally, like,affecting everything I do, I can't run, I can't play basketball and allthat stuff like that, so I, I gotta give it up.
Dr. Stewart: How long have you smoked, Gary?
Gary Phelps: Uh, I started when I was eleven years old, and I just can'tkick it, you know?
Dr. Stewart: Yeah, right. [small, barely noticeable fart] All right,
Gary, why don't you just have a seat here and sit down and just relax --what I do is hypnosis.
Gary Phelps: Right.
Dr. Stewart: Basically I just want you to sit back and relax -- letyourself sit back and relax and sink into the chair, and , um, just feelcomfortable and trust me.
[bigger fart]
Gary Phelps: [noticing fart sound] Uh...
Dr. Stewart: That's it.
Gary Phelps: O-kay....
Dr. Stewart: That's it.
Gary Phelps: That was...o-kay...
Dr. Stewart: All right? Okay. Gary, I want you to close your eyes, and Ijust want you to again relax and try to concentrate on nothing. Okay?
That's it. Now I'm gonna count backwards from five to zero --
Gary Phelps: Right.
Dr. Stewart: -- and I just want you to relax, and you're going to fallinto a deep state of mind -- of subconsciousness -- you're verycomfortable, I'll be counting back from five, I just want youto relax, and just think of nothing.
[three farts in succession]
Gary Phelps: Are you gonna keep doing that, or...?
Dr. Stewart: Hmm? Just concentrate now. That's it. Close your eyes. Keepyour eyes closed. Okay. Now. We're very comfortable. Five [small fart],we're thinking of nothing except being comfortable and nothing'sbothering us. Okay. When I say the word "relax," listen to me, you'resinking, you're sinking, [medium fart]
Gary Phelps: Oh my god...that was, uh....are you gonna keep doing that?
Dr. Stewart: Please just try to relax; that wasn't me. Okay. You're verystressed -- you're very stressed. Okay, four, we're relaxing, we'rerelaxing, you're very comfortable, you're very, very soothed. Okay.
Four, three...
[fart]
Gary Phelps: Oh my dear god, sir...uh, I can't...
Dr. Stewart: That was the couch. I know it sounded like -- it's -- thevinyl -- it's a new couch -- please, just try and concentrate. Okay. Andwe're very sleepy, we're relaxed, thinking nothing bothers us, nothingbothers us -- [several farts]
Gary Phelps: Uh, um, all right, could you open a window, maybe? I'm justhaving a tough time concentrating --
Dr. Stewart: Hmm? Here we go -- there, there, we're relaxing, we'rerelaxing [fart and cough together] three, two, two --
Gary Phelps: I was just going to ask you if you could maybe stop doingthat. I can't concentrate when you're doing that.
Dr. Stewart: This is what I do. It's a counting-down thing. We'rerelaxing now. Just relax -- let it go, don't focus on anything else,just concentrate on what we're doing here. Three, two, relax, relax,that's it, just relax [fart], we're relaxing now --
Gary Phelps: Okay -- you're gonna -- that one was -- it's getting alittle irritating --
Dr. Stewart: Hang on just a second here. Let me just step out a secondhere.
Gary Phelps: That'd be good.
Dr. Stewart: All right, and we're relaxing, as I leave, we're relaxing,still relaxing,
[fart in the distance]
Gary Phelps: Jesus...
Oh my God.
Dr. Stewart: We're relaxing.
Gary Phelps: [trying hard not to laugh]
Dr. Stewart: Okay, I'm back, we're relaxing, and we're counting down,we're to two, and all we're thinking about is healthy, fresh air.
Freshness. Breathing in. Breathing in deep, lettingout. [fart]
Gary Phelps: Sir, I'd appreciate if you could stop 'letting it out'. Butokay, okay, fine, thank you.
Dr. Stewart: That's it, you're all right, everything's good. All right,you feel very comfortable, you're sinking into the chair, we'rerelaxing, one [long fart], and we're coming down to zeroand --
Gary Phelps: Oh my god, uh...yes, all right, it was nothing...
Dr. Stewart: No, no, that time that was you.
Gary Phelps: That wasn't me!
Dr. Stewart: We're not here to pick sides, we're not here to pick sides,that was you, and maybe we could deal with this in another session, butright now we're dealing with the smoking, and, um, let's not worry aboutanything else that's going down --
Gary Phelps: OK, I've just gotta kick this habit.
Dr. Stewart: Down to zero, relaxing, we're going to feel very fresh
[fart], we're going to feel very healthy [fart], and let's take a nice,deep breath --
Gary Phelps: I can't breathe, sir, uh, I'm sorry, I just -- ["squirty"fart]
Gary Phelps: Oh my god -- what did you eat? It smells like baby food --
Dr. Stewart: All right, we're relaxing -- that one probably squirted outa little into the pants, but we'll just continue with thte floating
[fart] -- yeah, that was definitely a squirt -- but here we go, one,zero, we are under. Are you relaxed?
Gary Phelps: Yeah, I'm under, I guess.
Dr. Stewart: Here we go, relaxing, relaxing. You're under a deep trance,you will not smoke anymore, you will just feel healthy from now on, andyou'll be breathing in nothing but fresh air, and you will not smellanything in this room, it wasn't me, it wasn't me farting [fart] -- thatwas not me --
Gary Phelps: [hysterically laughing under his breath] You're gonna haveto stop doing that, sir. It's just very hard for me to listen to youwhen you're --
Dr. Stewart: You're floating now, you're high above, you're lookingdown, nothing but fresh pastures and fields, and here we go [long fart]
Gary Phelps: Oh man...
Dr. Stewart: -- that was you,
Gary Phelps: That was not me, sir! I'm watching you!
Dr. Stewart: That was you, and when you wake up, you will not rememberany of this, except that it was you, or my receptionist, don't worry,she gets it all the time. All right -- you smell nothing; I'm perfectlyclean. I have no bad gas; it was all from outside or from -- from -- youyourself. And let's not forget the smoking thing that's why you're here.
No smoking. Repeat after me: I am a smelly pig.
Gary Phelps: What?
Dr. Stewart: All right, we're moving along, and we;'re relaxed. [fart]
All right, and now we're going to count back up, up one to five,
Gary Phelps: OK, you know, I think this is fine, I don't want tosmoke...
Dr. Stewart: Gary, settle down, relax, and when I get to five, you willsnap out of this, and you won't remember this, especially the smell, thesmell was from you. All right? And here we go. Zero, we're coming out ofit, you're waking up slowly, your eyes are opening, one, you're feelinggood, and when you wake up, you'll feel wide awake and perfect you'llfeel whole and [fart] all-righty, I ripped that one out there and Iapologize. I ripped a good one there. That was a nice out..
Gary Phelps: That was not nice.
Dr. Stewart: Here we go, and, we're coming right [fart]
Gary Phelps: What was that?
Dr. Stewart: That was three.
Gary Phelps: It didn't sound like three.
Dr. Stewart: three, I'm counting, and four, it's no smell in here, andyou don't smoke, you don't want a cigarette, no, and here we go [fart]five, and -- [snap] Do you want a cigarette?
Gary Phelps: No I don't.
Dr. Stewart: Then my job is done.
Gary Phelps: [bursts into laughter]
Dr. Stewart: [fart] Please leave the door open as you leave. [fart]
Gary Phelps: OK, thank you, Doctor.
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