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Best Famous Blunder Poems

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Written by Robert Pinsky | Create an image from this poem

Impossible To Tell

 to Robert Hass and in memory of Elliot Gilbert


Slow dulcimer, gavotte and bow, in autumn,
Bashõ and his friends go out to view the moon;
In summer, gasoline rainbow in the gutter,

The secret courtesy that courses like ichor
Through the old form of the rude, full-scale joke,
Impossible to tell in writing. "Bashõ"

He named himself, "Banana Tree": banana
After the plant some grateful students gave him,
Maybe in appreciation of his guidance

Threading a long night through the rules and channels
Of their collaborative linking-poem
Scored in their teacher's heart: live, rigid, fluid

Like passages etched in a microscopic cicuit.
Elliot had in his memory so many jokes
They seemed to breed like microbes in a culture

Inside his brain, one so much making another
It was impossible to tell them all:
In the court-culture of jokes, a top banana.

Imagine a court of one: the queen a young mother,
Unhappy, alone all day with her firstborn child
And her new baby in a squalid apartment

Of too few rooms, a different race from her neighbors.
She tells the child she's going to kill herself.
She broods, she rages. Hoping to distract her,

The child cuts capers, he sings, he does imitations
Of different people in the building, he jokes,
He feels if he keeps her alive until the father

Gets home from work, they'll be okay till morning.
It's laughter versus the bedroom and the pills.
What is he in his efforts but a courtier?

Impossible to tell his whole delusion.
In the first months when I had moved back East
From California and had to leave a message

On Bob's machine, I used to make a habit
Of telling the tape a joke; and part-way through,
I would pretend that I forgot the punchline,

Or make believe that I was interrupted--
As though he'd be so eager to hear the end
He'd have to call me back. The joke was Elliot's,

More often than not. The doctors made the blunder
That killed him some time later that same year.
One day when I got home I found a message

On my machine from Bob. He had a story
About two rabbis, one of them tall, one short,
One day while walking along the street together

They see the corpse of a Chinese man before them,
And Bob said, sorry, he forgot the rest.
Of course he thought that his joke was a dummy,

Impossible to tell--a dead-end challenge.
But here it is, as Elliot told it to me:
The dead man's widow came to the rabbis weeping,

Begging them, if they could, to resurrect him.
Shocked, the tall rabbi said absolutely not.
But the short rabbi told her to bring the body

Into the study house, and ordered the shutters
Closed so the room was night-dark. Then he prayed
Over the body, chanting a secret blessing

Out of Kabala. "Arise and breathe," he shouted;
But nothing happened. The body lay still. So then
The little rabbi called for hundreds of candles

And danced around the body, chanting and praying
In Hebrew, then Yiddish, then Aramaic. He prayed
In Turkish and Egyptian and Old Galician

For nearly three hours, leaping about the coffin
In the candlelight so that his tiny black shoes
Seemed not to touch the floor. With one last prayer

Sobbed in the Spanish of before the Inquisition
He stopped, exhausted, and looked in the dead man's face.
Panting, he raised both arms in a mystic gesture

And said, "Arise and breathe!" And still the body
Lay as before. Impossible to tell
In words how Elliot's eyebrows flailed and snorted

Like shaggy mammoths as--the Chinese widow
Granting permission--the little rabbi sang
The blessing for performing a circumcision

And removed the dead man's foreskin, chanting blessings
In Finnish and Swahili, and bathed the corpse
From head to foot, and with a final prayer

In Babylonian, gasping with exhaustion,
He seized the dead man's head and kissed the lips
And dropped it again and leaping back commanded,

"Arise and breathe!" The corpse lay still as ever.
At this, as when Bashõ's disciples wind
Along the curving spine that links the renga

Across the different voices, each one adding
A transformation according to the rules
Of stasis and repetition, all in order

And yet impossible to tell beforehand,
Elliot changes for the punchline: the wee
Rabbi, still panting, like a startled boxer,

Looks at the dead one, then up at all those watching,
A kind of Mel Brooks gesture: "Hoo boy!" he says,
"Now that's what I call really dead." O mortal

Powers and princes of earth, and you immortal
Lords of the underground and afterlife,
Jehovah, Raa, Bol-Morah, Hecate, Pluto,

What has a brilliant, living soul to do with
Your harps and fires and boats, your bric-a-brac
And troughs of smoking blood? Provincial stinkers,

Our languages don't touch you, you're like that mother
Whose small child entertained her to beg her life.
Possibly he grew up to be the tall rabbi,

The one who washed his hands of all those capers
Right at the outset. Or maybe he became
The author of these lines, a one-man renga

The one for whom it seems to be impossible
To tell a story straight. It was a routine
Procedure. When it was finished the physicians

Told Sandra and the kids it had succeeded,
But Elliot wouldn't wake up for maybe an hour,
They should go eat. The two of them loved to bicker

In a way that on his side went back to Yiddish,
On Sandra's to some Sicilian dialect.
He used to scold her endlessly for smoking.

When she got back from dinner with their children
The doctors had to tell them about the mistake.
Oh swirling petals, falling leaves! The movement

Of linking renga coursing from moment to moment
Is meaning, Bob says in his Haiku book.
Oh swirling petals, all living things are contingent,

Falling leaves, and transient, and they suffer.
But the Universal is the goal of jokes,
Especially certain ethnic jokes, which taper

Down through the swirling funnel of tongues and gestures
Toward their preposterous Ithaca. There's one
A journalist told me. He heard it while a hero

Of the South African freedom movement was speaking
To elderly Jews. The speaker's own right arm
Had been blown off by right-wing letter-bombers.

He told his listeners they had to cast their ballots
For the ANC--a group the old Jews feared
As "in with the Arabs." But they started weeping

As the old one-armed fighter told them their country
Needed them to vote for what was right, their vote
Could make a country their children could return to

From London and Chicago. The moved old people
Applauded wildly, and the speaker's friend
Whispered to the journalist, "It's the Belgian Army

Joke come to life." I wish I could tell it
To Elliot. In the Belgian Army, the feud
Between the Flemings and Walloons grew vicious,

So out of hand the army could barely function.
Finally one commander assembled his men
In one great room, to deal with things directly.

They stood before him at attention. "All Flemings,"
He ordered, "to the left wall." Half the men
Clustered to the left. "Now all Walloons," he ordered,

"Move to the right." An equal number crowded
Against the right wall. Only one man remained
At attention in the middle: "What are you, soldier?"

Saluting, the man said, "Sir, I am a Belgian."
"Why, that's astonishing, Corporal--what's your name?"
Saluting again, "Rabinowitz," he answered:

A joke that seems at first to be a story
About the Jews. But as the renga describes
Religious meaning by moving in drifting petals

And brittle leaves that touch and die and suffer
The changing winds that riffle the gutter swirl,
So in the joke, just under the raucous music

Of Fleming, Jew, Walloon, a courtly allegiance
Moves to the dulcimer, gavotte and bow,
Over the banana tree the moon in autumn--

Allegiance to a state impossible to tell.


Written by Siegfried Sassoon | Create an image from this poem

Haunted

EVENING was in the wood, louring with storm. 
A time of drought had sucked the weedy pool 
And baked the channels; birds had done with song. 
Thirst was a dream of fountains in the moon, 
Or willow-music blown across the water 5 
Leisurely sliding on by weir and mill. 

Uneasy was the man who wandered, brooding, 
His face a little whiter than the dusk. 
A drone of sultry wings flicker¡¯d in his head. 
The end of sunset burning thro¡¯ the boughs 10 
Died in a smear of red; exhausted hours 
Cumber¡¯d, and ugly sorrows hemmed him in. 

He thought: ¡®Somewhere there¡¯s thunder,¡¯ as he strove 
To shake off dread; he dared not look behind him, 
But stood, the sweat of horror on his face. 15 

He blunder¡¯d down a path, trampling on thistles, 
In sudden race to leave the ghostly trees. 
And: ¡®Soon I¡¯ll be in open fields,¡¯ he thought, 
And half remembered starlight on the meadows, 
Scent of mown grass and voices of tired men, 20 
Fading along the field-paths; home and sleep 
And cool-swept upland spaces, whispering leaves, 
And far off the long churring night-jar¡¯s note. 

But something in the wood, trying to daunt him, 
Led him confused in circles through the thicket. 25 
He was forgetting his old wretched folly, 
And freedom was his need; his throat was choking. 
Barbed brambles gripped and clawed him round his legs, 
And he floundered over snags and hidden stumps. 
Mumbling: ¡®I will get out! I must get out!¡¯ 30 
Butting and thrusting up the baffling gloom, 
Pausing to listen in a space ¡¯twixt thorns, 
He peers around with peering, frantic eyes. 

An evil creature in the twilight looping, 
Flapped blindly in his face. Beating it off, 35 
He screeched in terror, and straightway something clambered 
Heavily from an oak, and dropped, bent double, 
To shamble at him zigzag, squat and bestial. 

Headlong he charges down the wood, and falls 
With roaring brain¡ªagony¡ªthe snap¡¯t spark¡ª 40 
And blots of green and purple in his eyes. 
Then the slow fingers groping on his neck, 
And at his heart the strangling clasp of death. 
Written by Barry Tebb | Create an image from this poem

Letters To Friends

 I


Eddie Linden

Dear Eddie we’ve not met

Except upon the written page 

And at your age the wonder 

Is that you write at all

When so many have gone under 

Or been split asunder by narcissistic humours

Blunder following blunder

Barker and Graham, godfathering my verse

Bearing me cloud-handed to Haworth moor

From my chained metropolitan moorings,

O hyaline March morning with Leeds

At its thrusting best, the thirsty beasts

Of night quenched as the furnaces

Of Hunslet where Hudswell Clarke’s locos

Rust in their skeletal sheds, rails skewed

To graveyards platforms and now instead

Skyscrapers circle the city, cranes, aeroplanes,

Electric trains but even they cannot hinder

Branches bursting with semen

Seraphic cloud sanctuaries shunting

Us homeward to the beckoning moors.

II

Brenda Williams

Leeds voices soothe the turbulence

‘Ey’ ‘sithee’ and ‘love’, lastingly lilt

From cradle to grave, from backstreet

On the social, our son, beat his way

To Eton, Balliol, to Calcatta’s Shantiniketan

And all the way back to a locked ward.

While I in the meantime fondly fiddled 

With rhyme and unreason, publishing pamphlets

And Leeds Poetry Weekly while under the bane

Of his tragic illness, poet and mother,

You were driven from pillar to post

By the taunting yobbery of your family

And the crass insensitivity of wild therapy

To the smoking dark of despair,

Locked in your flat in the Abbey Road

With seven cats and poetry.

O stop and strop your bladed darkness

On the rock of ages while plangent tollings

Mock your cradled rockings, knock by knock.



III

Debjani Chatterjee

In these doom-laden days

You are steady as a pilot nursing tired ships homeward

Through churning seas

Where grey gulls scream

Forlornly and for ever.

I am the red-neck,

Bear-headed blaster

Shifting sheer rock

To rape the ore of poetry’s plunder

Or bulldozing trees to glean mines of silver

While you sail serenely onward 

Ever the diplomat’s daughter

Toujours de la politesse.

IV

Daisy Abey

Daisy, dearest of all, safest

And kindest, watcher and warner

Of chaotic corners looming

Round poetry’s boomerang bends

I owe you most a letter

While you are here beside me

Patient as a miller waiting on wind

To drive the great sails

Through summer. 

When the muse takes over

I am snatched from order and duty

Blowing routine into a riot of going

And coming, blind, backwards, tip

Over ****, sea waves crashing in suburbia,

Saturnalia in Sutton, headlines of mad poet

Striding naked over moors, roaring

"I am here I am waiting".

V

Jeremy Reed

Niagaras of letters on pink sheets

In sheaths of silver envelopes

Mutually exchanged. I open your missives

Like undressing a girl in my teens

Undoing the flap like a recalcitrant

Bra strap, the letters stiff as nipples

While I stroke the creviced folds

Of amber and mauve and lick

As I stick stamps like the ********

Of a reluctant virgin, urgent for

Defloration and the pulse of ******.
Written by Adrienne Rich | Create an image from this poem

Orion

 Far back when I went zig-zagging
through tamarack pastures
you were my genius, you
my cast-iron Viking, my helmed
lion-heart king in prison.
Years later now you're young

my fierce half-brother, staring
down from that simplified west
your breast open, your belt dragged down
by an oldfashioned thing, a sword
the last bravado you won't give over
though it weighs you down as you stride

and the stars in it are dim
and maybe have stopped burning.
But you burn, and I know it;
as I throw back my head to take you in
and old transfusion happens again:
divine astronomy is nothing to it.

Indoors I bruise and blunder
break faith, leave ill enough
alone, a dead child born in the dark.
Night cracks up over the chimney,
pieces of time, frozen geodes
come showering down in the grate.

A man reaches behind my eyes
and finds them empty
a woman's head turns away
from my head in the mirror
children are dying my death
and eating crumbs of my life.

Pity is not your forte.
Calmly you ache up there
pinned aloft in your crow's nest,
my speechless pirate!
You take it all for granted
and when I look you back

it's with a starlike eye
shooting its cold and egotistical spear
where it can do least damage.
Breath deep! No hurt, no pardon
out here in the cold with you
you with your back to the wall.
Written by G K Chesterton | Create an image from this poem

The Song of Quoodle

 They haven't got no noses,
The fallen sons of Eve;
Even the smell of roses
Is not what they supposes;
But more than mind discloses
And more than men believe.

They haven't got no noses,
They cannot even tell
When door and darkness closes
The park a Jew encloses,
Where even the law of Moses
Will let you steal a smell.

The brilliant smell of water,
The brave smell of a stone,
The smell of dew and thunder,
The old bones buried under,
Are things in which they blunder
And err, if left alone.

The wind from winter forests,
The scent of scentless flowers,
The breath of brides' adorning,
The smell of snare and warning,
The smell of Sunday morning,
God gave to us for ours

*

And Quoodle here discloses
All things that Quoodle can,
They haven't got no noses,
They haven't got no noses,
And goodness only knowses
The Noselessness of Man.


Written by Siegfried Sassoon | Create an image from this poem

A Letter Home

 (To Robert Graves) 

I 

Here I'm sitting in the gloom 
Of my quiet attic room. 
France goes rolling all around, 
Fledged with forest May has crowned. 
And I puff my pipe, calm-hearted, 
Thinking how the fighting started, 
Wondering when we'll ever end it, 
Back to hell with Kaiser sent it, 
Gag the noise, pack up and go, 
Clockwork soldiers in a row. 
I've got better things to do 
Than to waste my time on you. 

II 

Robert, when I drowse to-night, 
Skirting lawns of sleep to chase 
Shifting dreams in mazy light, 
Somewhere then I'll see your face 
Turning back to bid me follow 
Where I wag my arms and hollo, 
Over hedges hasting after 
Crooked smile and baffling laughter, 
Running tireless, floating, leaping, 
Down your web-hung woods and valleys, 
Where the glowworm stars are peeping, 
Till I find you, quiet as stone 
On a hill-top all alone, 
Staring outward, gravely pondering 
Jumbled leagues of hillock-wandering. 

III 

You and I have walked together 
In the starving winter weather. 
We've been glad because we knew 
Time's too short and friends are few. 
We've been sad because we missed 
One whose yellow head was kissed 
By the gods, who thought about him 
Till they couldn't do without him. 
Now he's here again; I've been 
Soldier David dressed in green, 
Standing in a wood that swings 
To the madrigal he sings. 
He's come back, all mirth and glory, 
Like the prince in a fairy tory. 
Winter called him far away; 
Blossoms bring him home with May. 

IV 

Well, I know you'll swear it's true 
That you found him decked in blue 
Striding up through morning-land 
With a cloud on either hand. 
Out in Wales, you'll say, he marches 
Arm-in-arm with aoks and larches; 
Hides all night in hilly nooks, 
Laughs at dawn in tumbling brooks. 
Yet, it's certain, here he teaches 
Outpost-schemes to groups of beeches. 
And I'm sure, as here I stand, 
That he shines through every land, 
That he sings in every place 
Where we're thinking of his face. 

V 

Robert, there's a war in France; 
Everywhere men bang and blunder, 
Sweat and swear and worship Chance, 
Creep and blink through cannon thunder. 
Rifles crack and bullets flick, 
Sing and hum like hornet-swarms. 
Bones are smashed and buried quick. 
Yet, through stunning battle storms, 
All the while I watch the spark 
Lit to guide me; for I know 
Dreams will triumph, though the dark 
Scowls above me where I go. 
You can hear me; you can mingle 
Radiant folly with my jingle. 
War's a joke for me and you 
While we know such dreams are true!
Written by Henry Van Dyke | Create an image from this poem

Hudsons Last Voyage

 June 22, 1611 

THE SHALLOP ON HUDSON BAY 

One sail in sight upon the lonely sea
And only one, God knows! For never ship 
But mine broke through the icy gates that guard 
These waters, greater grown than any since
We left the shores of England. We were first, 
My men, to battle in between the bergs
And floes to these wide waves. This gulf is mine; 
I name it! and that flying sail is mine!
And there, hull-down below that flying sail,
The ship that staggers home is mine, mine, mine!
My ship Discoverie!
The sullen dogs
Of mutineers, the bitches' whelps that snatched
Their food and bit the hand that nourished them, 
Have stolen her. You ingrate Henry Greene, 
I picked you from the gutter of Houndsditch, 
And paid your debts, and kept you in my house, 
And brought you here to make a man of you! 
You Robert Juet, ancient, crafty man, 
Toothless and tremulous, how many times
Have I employed you as a master's mate
To give you bread? And you Abacuck Prickett, 
You sailor-clerk, you salted puritan, 
You knew the plot and silently agreed, 
Salving your conscience with a pious lie!
Yes, all of you -- hounds, rebels, thieves! Bring back
My ship!
Too late, -- I rave, -- they cannot hear 
My voice: and if they heard, a drunken laugh 
Would be their answer; for their minds have caught
The fatal firmness of the fool's resolve, 
That looks like courage but is only fear. 
They'll blunder on, and lose my ship, and drown, --
Or blunder home to England and be hanged. 
Their skeletons will rattle in the chains
Of some tall gibbet on the Channel cliffs, 
While passing mariners look up and say: 
"Those are the rotten bones of Hudson's men 
"Who left their captain in the frozen North!" 

O God of justice, why hast Thou ordained
Plans of the wise and actions of the brave
Dependent on the aid of fools and cowards?
Look, -- there she goes, -- her topsails in the sun 
Gleam from the ragged ocean edge, and drop 
Clean out of sight! So let the traitors go
Clean out of mind! We'll think of braver things! 
Come closer in the boat, my friends. John King, 
You take the tiller, keep her head nor'west.
You Philip Staffe, the only one who chose
Freely to share our little shallop's fate,
Rather than travel in the hell-bound ship, --
Too good an English seaman to desert
These crippled comrades, -- try to make them rest 
More easy on the thwarts. And John, my son, 
My little shipmate, come and lean your head 
Against your father's knee. Do you recall
That April morn in Ethelburga's church,
Five years ago, when side by side we kneeled
To take the sacrament with all our men,
Before the Hopewell left St. Catherine's docks 
On our first voyage? It was then I vowed
My sailor-soul and years to search the sea
Until we found the water-path that leads
From Europe into Asia.
I believe
That God has poured the ocean round His world, 
Not to divide, but to unite the lands.
And all the English captains that have dared 
In little ships to plough uncharted waves, --
Davis and Drake, Hawkins and Frobisher, 
Raleigh and Gilbert, -- all the other names, --
Are written in the chivalry of God
As men who served His purpose. I would claim 
A place among that knighthood of the sea;
And I have earned it, though my quest should fail!
For, mark me well, the honour of our life 
Derives from this: to have a certain aim 
Before us always, which our will must seek 
Amid the peril of uncertain ways.
Then, though we miss the goal, our search is crowned
With courage, and we find along our path
A rich reward of unexpected things.
Press towards the aim: take fortune as it fares! 

I know not why, but something in my heart 
Has always whispered, "Westward seek your goal!"
Three times they sent me east, but still I turned 
The bowsprit west, and felt among the floes 
Of ruttling ice along the Gröneland coast,
And down the rugged shore of Newfoundland, 
And past the rocky capes and wooded bays 
Where Gosnold sailed, -- like one who feels his way
With outstretched hand across a darkened room, --
I groped among the inlets and the isles,
To find the passage to the Land of Spice.
I have not found it yet, -- but I have found 
Things worth the finding!
Son, have you forgot 
Those mellow autumn days, two years ago, 
When first we sent our little ship Half-Moon, -- 
The flag of Holland floating at her peak, --
Across a sandy bar, and sounded in 
Among the channels, to a goodly bay 
Where all the navies of the world could ride? 
A fertile island that the redmen called 
Manhattan, lay above the bay: the land 
Around was bountiful and friendly fair. 
But never land was fair enough to hold 
The seaman from the calling of the sea. 
And so we bore to westward of the isle, 
Along a mighty inlet, where the tide
Was troubled by a downward-flowing flood 
That seemed to come from far away, -- perhaps 
From some mysterious gulf of Tartary? 

Inland we held our course; by palisades
Of naked rock where giants might have built 
Their fortress; and by rolling hills adorned 
With forests rich in timber for great ships; 
Through narrows where the mountains shut us in 
With frowning cliffs that seemed to bar the stream;
And then through open reaches where the banks 
Sloped to the water gently, with their fields 
Of corn and lentils smiling in the sun.
Ten days we voyaged through that placid land, 
Until we came to shoals, and sent a boat 
Upstream to find, -- what I already knew, --
We travelled on a river, not a strait. 

But what a river! God has never poured
A stream more royal through a land more rich. 
Even now I see it flowing in my dream, 
While coming ages people it with men 
Of manhood equal to the river's pride.
I see the wigwams of the redmen changed
To ample houses, and the tiny plots
Of maize and green tobacco broadened out
To prosperous farms, that spread o'er hill and dale
The many-coloured mantle of their crops;
I see the terraced vineyard on the slope
Where now the fox-grape loops its tangled vine; 
And cattle feeding where the red deer roam; 
And wild-bees gathered into busy hives, 
To store the silver comb with golden sweet; 
And all the promised land begins to flow 
With milk and honey. Stately manors rise 
Along the banks, and castles top the hills, 
And little villages grow populous with trade, 
Until the river runs as proudly as the Rhine, -- 
The thread that links a hundred towns and towers!
And looking deeper in my dream, I see
A mighty city covering the isle
They call Manhattan, equal in her state 
To all the older capitals of earth, --
The gateway city of a golden world, --
A city girt with masts, and crowned with spires, 
And swarming with a host of busy men, 
While to her open door across the bay 
The ships of all the nations flock like doves. 
My name will be remembered there, for men 
Will say, "This river and this isle were found 
By Henry Hudson, on his way to seek
The Northwest Passage into Farthest Inde." 

Yes! yes! I sought it then, I seek it still, --
My great adventure and my guiding star! 
For look ye, friends, our voyage is not done; 
We hold by hope as long as life endures! 
Somewhere among these floating fields of ice, 
Somewhere along this westward widening bay, 
Somewhere beneath this luminous northern night, 
The channel opens to the Orient, --
I know it, -- and some day a little ship
Will push her bowsprit in, and battle through! 
And why not ours, -- to-morrow, -- who can tell? 
The lucky chance awaits the fearless heart! 
These are the longest days of all the year; 
The world is round and God is everywhere, 
And while our shallop floats we still can steer. 
So point her up, John King, nor'west by north. 
We 'l1 keep the honour of a certain aim 
Amid the peril of uncertain ways,
And sail ahead, and leave the rest to God.
Written by Robert Burns | Create an image from this poem

306. Election Ballad at close of Contest for representing the Dumfries Burghs 1790

 FINTRY, my stay in wordly strife,
Friend o’ my muse, friend o’ my life,
 Are ye as idle’s I am?
Come then, wi’ uncouth kintra fleg,
O’er Pegasus I’ll fling my leg,
 And ye shall see me try him.


But where shall I go rin a ride,
That I may splatter nane beside?
 I wad na be uncivil:
In manhood’s various paths and ways
There’s aye some doytin’ body strays,
 And I ride like the devil.


Thus I break aff wi’ a’ my birr,
And down yon dark, deep alley spur,
 Where Theologics daunder:
Alas! curst wi’ eternal fogs,
And damn’d in everlasting bogs,
 As sure’s the creed I’ll blunder!


I’ll stain a band, or jaup a gown,
Or rin my reckless, guilty crown
 Against the haly door:
Sair do I rue my luckless fate,
When, as the Muse an’ Deil wad hae’t,
 I rade that road before.


Suppose I take a spurt, and mix
Amang the wilds o’ Politics—
 Electors and elected,
Where dogs at Court (sad sons of bitches!)
Septennially a madness touches,
 Till all the land’s infected.


All hail! Drumlanrig’s haughty Grace,
Discarded remnant of a race
 Once godlike-great in story;
Thy forbears’ virtues all contrasted,
The very name of Douglas blasted,
 Thine that inverted glory!


Hate, envy, oft the Douglas bore,
But thou hast superadded more,
 And sunk them in contempt;
Follies and crimes have stain’d the name,
But, Queensberry, thine the virgin claim,
 From aught that’s good exempt!


I’ll sing the zeal Drumlanrig bears,
Who left the all-important cares
 Of princes, and their darlings:
And, bent on winning borough touns,
Came shaking hands wi’ wabster-loons,
 And kissing barefit carlins.


Combustion thro’ our boroughs rode,
Whistling his roaring pack abroad
 Of mad unmuzzled lions;
As Queensberry blue and buff unfurl’d,
And Westerha’ and Hopetoun hurled
 To every Whig defiance.


But cautious Queensberry left the war,
Th’ unmanner’d dust might soil his star,
 Besides, he hated bleeding:
But left behind him heroes bright,
Heroes in C&æsarean fight,
 Or Ciceronian pleading.


O for a throat like huge Mons-Meg,
To muster o’er each ardent Whig
 Beneath Drumlanrig’s banners;
Heroes and heroines commix,
All in the field of politics,
 To win immortal honours.


M’Murdo and his lovely spouse,
(Th’ enamour’d laurels kiss her brows!)
 Led on the Loves and Graces:
She won each gaping burgess’ heart,
While he, sub rosa, played his part
 Amang their wives and lasses.


Craigdarroch led a light-arm’d core,
Tropes, metaphors, and figures pour,
 Like Hecla streaming thunder:
Glenriddel, skill’d in rusty coins,
Blew up each Tory’s dark designs,
 And bared the treason under.


In either wing two champions fought;
Redoubted Staig, who set at nought
 The wildest savage Tory;
And Welsh who ne’er yet flinch’d his ground,
High-wav’d his magnum-bonum round
 With Cyclopeian fury.


Miller brought up th’ artillery ranks,
The many-pounders of the Banks,
 Resistless desolation!
While Maxwelton, that baron bold,
’Mid Lawson’s port entrench’d his hold,
 And threaten’d worse damnation.


To these what Tory hosts oppos’d
With these what Tory warriors clos’d
 Surpasses my descriving;
Squadrons, extended long and large,
With furious speed rush to the charge,
 Like furious devils driving.


What verse can sing, what prose narrate,
The butcher deeds of bloody Fate,
 Amid this mighty tulyie!
Grim Horror girn’d, pale Terror roar’d,
As Murder at his thrapple shor’d,
 And Hell mix’d in the brulyie.


As Highland craigs by thunder cleft,
When lightnings fire the stormy lift,
 Hurl down with crashing rattle;
As flames among a hundred woods,
As headlong foam from a hundred floods,
 Such is the rage of Battle.


The stubborn Tories dare to die;
As soon the rooted oaks would fly
 Before th’ approaching fellers:
The Whigs come on like Ocean’s roar,
When all his wintry billows pour
 Against the Buchan Bullers.


Lo, from the shades of Death’s deep night,
Departed Whigs enjoy the fight,
 And think on former daring:
The muffled murtherer of Charles
The Magna Charter flag unfurls,
 All deadly gules its bearing.


Nor wanting ghosts of Tory fame;
Bold Scrimgeour follows gallant Graham;
 Auld Covenanters shiver—
Forgive! forgive! much-wrong’d Montrose!
Now Death and Hell engulph thy foes,
 Thou liv’st on high for ever.


Still o’er the field the combat burns,
The Tories, Whigs, give way by turns;
 But Fate the word has spoken:
For woman’s wit and strength o’man,
Alas! can do but what they can;
 The Tory ranks are broken.


O that my een were flowing burns!
My voice, a lioness that mourns
 Her darling cubs’ undoing!
That I might greet, that I might cry,
While Tories fall, while Tories fly,
 And furious Whigs pursuing!


What Whig but melts for good Sir James,
Dear to his country, by the names,
 Friend, Patron, Benefactor!
Not Pulteney’s wealth can Pulteney save;
And Hopetoun falls, the generous, brave;
 And Stewart, bold as Hector.


Thou, Pitt, shalt rue this overthrow,
And Thurlow growl a curse of woe,
 And Melville melt in wailing:
Now Fox and Sheridan rejoice,
And Burke shall sing, “O Prince, arise!
 Thy power is all-prevailing!”


For your poor friend, the Bard, afar
He only hears and sees the war,
 A cool spectator purely!
So, when the storm the forest rends,
The robin in the hedge descends,
 And sober chirps securely.


Now, for my friends’ and brethren’s sakes,
And for my dear-lov’d Land o’ Cakes,
 I pray with holy fire:
Lord, send a rough-shod troop o’ Hell
O’er a’ wad Scotland buy or sell,
 To grind them in the mire!
Written by Craig Raine | Create an image from this poem

The Onion Memory

 Divorced, but friends again at last,
we walk old ground together
in bright blue uncomplicated weather.
We laugh and pause
to hack to bits these tiny dinosaurs,
prehistoric, crenelated, cast
between the tractor ruts in mud.

On the green, a junior Douglas Fairbanks,
swinging on the chestnut's unlit chandelier,
defies the corporation spears--
a single rank around the bole,
rusty with blood.
Green, tacky phalluses curve up, romance
A gust--the old flag blazes on its pole.

In the village bakery
the pastry babies pass
from milky slump to crusty cadaver,
from crib to coffin--without palaver.
All's over in a flash,
too silently...

Tonight the arum lilies fold
back napkins monogrammed in gold,
crisp and laundered fresh.
Those crustaceous gladioli, on the sly,
reveal the crimson flower-flesh
inside their emerald armor plate.
The uncooked herrings blink a tearful eye.
The candles palpitate.
The Oistrakhs bow and scrape
in evening dress, on Emi-tape.

Outside the trees are bending over backwards
to please the wind : the shining sword
grass flattens on its belly.
The white-thorn's frillies offer no resistance.
In the fridge, a heart-shaped jelly
strives to keep a sense of balance.

I slice up the onions. You sew up a dress.
This is the quiet echo--flesh--
white muscle on white muscle,
intimately folded skin,
finished with a satin rustle.
One button only to undo, sewn up with shabby thread.
It is the onion, memory,
that makes me cry.

Because there's everything and nothing to be said,
the clock with hands held up before its face,
stammers softly on, trying to complete a phrase--
while we, together and apart,
repeat unfinished festures got by heart.

And afterwards, I blunder with the washing on the line--
headless torsos, faceless lovers, friends of mine.
Written by Rg Gregory | Create an image from this poem

absinthe and stained glass

 (i)
absinthe makes the hurt grow fonder
the green fairy burbles what's this 'ere
when vincent (sozzled) knifes his lug off
all spirits then succumb to fear
depression takes the gloss off wonder
and people (lost) tell god to bug off
the twentieth century drowns in sheer
excuse that life is comic blunder
temporality dons its gear
forbidden thought soon rips its gag off

stained glass (you think) must be bystander
its leaded eyes seek far not near
the day's bleak dirt it learns to shrug off

(ii)
the history of the race confuses
heady spirit with bloody need
nothing can stop the sky from tingling
intrinsic hope rewords its screed
assumes it must outlive its bruises

stained glass deigns to face the mingling
of atavistic search for creed
with each desire gets what it chooses
it tries to suck out truth from greed
and calmly pacifies the wrangling

lasting spirit allows no ruses
what's bottled dreads to pay much heed
between the two meek life is dangling

(from le trianon - stained glass window by berge)

Book: Radiant Verses: A Journey Through Inspiring Poetry