The Identity Crisis

The Identity crisis!
From a young age we are taught to behave in a certain way, we are pushed towards certain
sports, we are told to do homework daily and concentrate on subjects and subordinate to
someone who is older than us. When we get older we start doing what our friends do, what
television stars do. Be a certain shape, be a certain height, wear our hair a certain way.
When we start dating we try and satisfy our partners to avoid fights. We become dependent on
one person. How can one person fulfill all seven areas of our life.
When do we get to become our true selves? Who are we? What do we want? How can we
know if all we do is go from being children in our parents home, to then being in relationships
and still knowing who we are? Sometimes after we have a break up it is almost as if our whole
life falls apart. We miss this person, we do not know what we will do with our selves or wonder if
we will ever find that love again.
We wonder if our parents will love us for the decisions or choices we make.
Have you ever had a break up with someone and then spent time truly by your self? Moved
cities, made new friends and really created a new life. It is a true identity crisis.
I spent my whole life not understanding who I was and after experiencing sexual abuse and
physical abuse and being ashamed and embarrassed by my past I was stuck. I was stuck
thinking I was not good enough for me, others and I hid away behind my weight. I did not want
to be noticed.
It took me 31 years to finally start loving my self. I am still a way to go but I am a whole lot
stronger than before. I have learnt for all the things that have happened and realized that it was
all on the way to who I am meant too be.
The last year has been extremely traumatic as well as healing. Having to go back in to your past
and right back in to your childhood in to memories that would make you wet the bed and then
now to be able to look back and smile because it has made you as strong as you are.
An identity crisis can feel like you are re born. You have a massive breakthrough and you do not
know who you are anymore. You have no idea where to start because every step of your life
feels like you where wrapped in cellophane and now you have been unpacked and you have no
idea what your purpose is. You do quizzes online and try figure out your values and still have no
idea because every day you find out something new about your self or what you enjoy. This is
okay.
There is a huge part of you that wants to be free, that wants to escape and go travel and stand
in the wind and feel the wind through your hair and take a deep breath and have a sense of
inner peace that you are finally where you want to be. The truth is we will never be where we
want to be because everyday we are growing and that is life. Life is a never ending game of
challenges and how we face them is purely up to us. We can huddle down and cry and get
upset or we can face them head on and find ways in how it strengthens us to our core.
How we can get up every day and fight and become the best version of our selves.
As a child growing up I was raised in a way where I had to do what I was told. I felt constrained.
I could not go anywhere or do anything without being yelled at. There was a constant pressure
to be good enough. Good enough at school, good enough at sports, good enough to please
both parents. Constant pressure of pleasing society and being a someone. Marry a man and
have kids. Study and get an education and a good job. Buy a house or two and invest money
and have a good place in society. It is all about location location. When I grew up and found my
self in the middle of a crisis of wanting to kill my self I discovered I had no idea who I was.

I was sitting at a nightclub with people I saw as my friends at three AM. Everyone was drunk,
talking about things I was no longer interested in and I was sitting there and on the inside I was
screaming. I wanted to jump of the roof top and be free. I had a friend who was in my life for
only a few years and she gave me details of someone who I could talk too. I did not tell her I
was feeling this way or what was going on in my head. In this came another identity crisis if I will
reach out or not. I had a think and finally decided I needed help. I had to start my healing
journey and find myself. It has been a long year of struggles, challenges, support and
breakthroughs and here I am a year later figuring out what I want to do next.
I did not think in a year I would find love for two cases of sexual abuse, severe physical abuse,
walk away from a toxic relationship and move cities. I had no idea I could be this independent
and live alone. I had no idea the power I had within me to be able to wake up every day and
keep going. I moved cities and was finding that I still struggling sometimes and confused. I
would still have a dark shadow over my head some days and really would want to hurt my self
but in my head I had this thought of who I could still be. I wanted to know what the next day
held. I was holding on to this rope of life as tight as I could.
I guess sometimes the hardest thing we could do is ask for help. Opening up to a complete
stranger and after so many years of keeping so much pain within you wondering how you can
trust someone with your darkest pains. Things that have kept you awake and screaming and
then you do. Slowly you open up and reveal your self. I can truly say it is worth it. If you need
help, ask. Do not try battle it inside you alone because in the end it can beat you.
Every single one us deserves to find out what is next. We all need a purpose and something to
look forward too and a reason to wake up too.
One day I woke and realized something I had not seen for many years. The secret of life is
simply to just be you. Dress in what you want, laugh how you want, live where you want. If you
want to eat the dessert first then eat it.
So many people are stuck in their daily jobs working the nine to five routine and wondering if
this is all there is. Wake up, brush teeth, shower, get ready for work and then work for a certain
amount of hours and then come home cook dinner and do a few chores and then sleep and the
next day exactly the same. Look forward to a weekend that is over before even started. All this
because we are afraid to take a chance and a leap and be who we have always wanted too be.
How many of us grew up wanting to be something and got the idea ridiculed. I grew up wanting
to work in a field that saves kids. I had no interest in saving adults. I saw adults as the enemies.
Why would I help someone who did not want to help me as a child? I wanted to be a police
officer and protect women from domestic violence. I wanted to build an orphanage and take all
the kids in who felt lonely and needed a family. I wanted to be a councillor who could change
the lives of people who needed help. I wanted to go to countries where I could give aid. The
problem with this is that as I was growing up I started to hate life and adults and people around
me. I lost trust in the world and I could hardly open up to anyone. I wanted to drink every day, I
wanted to drown my self in parties and a group of people who I blamed for my results. I was not
raising my own standards.
I lived my life blaming everyone around me for the consequences not realizing how much of
what was happening was my own fault and thought they where mistakes until I realized there
are no mistakes. Every thing really does happen for a reason. There are days when I still fall in
to the victimizing mode and want someone to reach their hand out and save us but in reality
until we see something wrong with our lives we wont see anything needs changing. We do not
have to be good enough for anyone else but us and every stage of our lives and every level of
growth requires a new version of ourselves.
The person I have been working with the last year literally shook up all my beliefs. Every time I
felt sorry for my self, I wanted to run to them and cry and thought they do not care because they
do not say a kind word or have empathy and i would not get the support I wanted and instead

slowly I grew on my own and learnt how to deal with challenges. I learnt that in life I can make a
change and there are choices. I learnt I can travel and go over seas and handle being in a new
place and enjoy it. I learnt that sometimes having the constant support I dreamt of was getting
me no where. How can we grow as people if we do not experience heart break, get growled at,
get told to figure things out on our own? It is hard. It is a struggle and until we see the blessings
to these situations we will keep going wanting someone to hold our hand and pitty us. Every one
of us at times needs a hug. Needs a gentle hand to reach out to us.
When I was 18 i met someone who took a broken child and reached that hand out to me. I did
not only pull my self out of drugs i became determined to live and learn about wealth and during
this time i fell in love. I found someone who loved me like a parent as well as a partner. I fell
apart and this person was there. I had success and they congratulated me. I had everything i
had dreamt of as a child in one person. They say that when you find someone who loves you it
heals you. Parts of me where healed in the sense i had the hugs and kisses and someone to
talk too and listen to me. Someone i could trust and only wanted the best in me. Overtime i
started seeing that something was not right. I did not want to go any where without them. I could
not sleep alone and was so comfortable i did not want anything to change.
Truth is that life is not always easy. My biggest void has always been affection. I still have inside
me a child who still wants this affection and love. That still feels like something was missing as i
was growing up and even though i have found it was there it has still pushed me in to giving
love to who i dated or children around me. I have grown up now be extremely selfish and do
what i want when i want. I am stubborn. I still have my moments where i wake up smiling and
happy to be alive and i still have my moments where i want to run to someones arms and be
looked after and this is okay. This is life and part of the identity crisis.
There is this idea that screams at me saying if i was to die in the next hour, would i have lived
my life how i wanted? Would i have done everything i had always wanted to do? Why is it when
we find out we could die or be dying we jump at the opportunity of packing in as much of our
dreams as possible in a short time. Why do we run to the ones we know and show them our
love and they all show us our love. Would it not be cool if we had this love for people all the time
and showed our gratitude and how glad we are that they are in our life.
Every single person who comes in to our life brings something. Whether we see it as a
challenge or support, it teaches us something. It teaches us to either stay away from a certain
type of person and at the same time we find that avoiding a type of person only gives us more of
what we do not want.
We find people who raise us up and help us grow. We find people who we have known a short
time but help us more than someone we considered a friend our whole life.
I spent my whole life thinking i was wrapped in chains. I was barely breathing and i had a tight
chest. Everyday for the last year i have felt this chain slowly being released. I have found i still
have emotional charges based on my perceptions on situations. Have you ever had a situation
happen and instantly gone in to rage, anger and depression. Instead of finding how the situation
benefits us or helps us when we are angry. We get stressed. 80 percent of of health issues are
stress related.
Emotions are anger / fear / anxiety and depression. Negative states of emotions store in the
body anatomy and affect out body thats the unconscious state of our mind. Stress affects our
genes and chemicals. Our own thoughts make us sick. A lot of our emotions are recreated by
our pasts. Issues we have no addressed. We do not have a reaction without a reason behind
us. So often a partner may cheat on us and we are angry they cheated on us and we jump in to
thoughts they did not love us, they betrayed us and so on and we fail to see what exactly about
the cheating that we hated. Was it that we where lied too? Did someone betray our trust as a
child? is it a fear of being abandoned because as a child we felt unloved and think self hate
instantly of not being good enough for someone? Did some one make you once think you are
not good enough and so no one will love you?

Until we love our self how can we expect anyone else too love us. When you love your self you
put on your self a certain level of respect and it shows people how to treat you. You won't put up
with things from anyone who treats you in a way you would not treat your self. You will be
constantly screaming "Try me". Would it not be cool to choose who is in your circle rather than
feeling lonely and being friends with anyone to think people are around you? Is it not better to
have a small circle of trusted people rather than the many who bring nothing to your life.
As a child i was bullied and did not have many friends. I struggled with this concept because i
wanted people to like me and accept me. Now if you ask people on their opinions of me many
will say i have no filter. I speak my mind. I can turn up to events dressed in hoodies and T shirts
and that is me. I do what i want how i want. I had enough of seeking peoples approvals. I filter
people and anyone who considers me a friend may cross me once with something silly and i will
turn away. Some say its harsh yet i call it my standards. If it does not serve me i do not want
that person in my life and do not want anything in my life that creates noise in my mind.
I tried meditation. Meditation quiets the mind so it gets used to a quiet space and recalibrates
our nervous system. I attempted sitting silently and meditating only i found my self in fits of
laughter and i could not zone out. In the end i saw that meditation can be many things. I
discovered i could put my headphones on and go for a walk and listen to some personal
development talks and that silenced my mind. I found turning on some music and distracting my
self was silencing my minds and they where all forms of a type of mediation.
I was told yoga can help me take control of my body and is a good form of exercise and again i
would find my self laughing and falling over and from this lead me to thinking about what i like
doing for health and i discovered i enjoyed walks, aqua jogging, tennis and dancing.
We go through life and try things. Only because we do not end up doing that thing we thought
was for us does not mean we failed. It means we attempted it and did not enjoy it so we move
on to discovering more about us and what we enjoy. No one thing will always suit all of us.
One child who loves rugby won't enjoy going to the opera as much as another child. We are all
born to be different only for some reason we try to replicate someone elses life.
The law of attraction states ask for what you want and the universe will give you it. Siting on the
couch daily eating foods that are full of sugar and carbs and asking the universe to reform your
body will not be granted.
Asking for the universe to give you money and make you rich while out spending money on
takeaways and drinking every weekend won't work.
We are the universe. The effort we put in is what we will get. if you want to be rich you will find
your self working hard, saving, finding ways to create more money and have extra jobs and
create a residual income.
Asking the universe for a certain body type requires looking after what we eat, excercising,
getting enough sleep and of course the universe will grant us what we want and because it is
what we want and work towards.
As the days keep going we try figuring out what is next as if we have to rush at everything and
while we are busy focusing on tomorrow or next week or a certain event we miss the beauty of
what is happening that day. This way time flies by and then that event is over and again we are
waiting for another celebration. What if we made every day a celebration and woke up excited
about something. Waking up is enough of a reason for some to be excited.
The secret in life is that there is no secret. It is to be your self and if you want something go after
it and do not let anything stop you. Carry on until you get it. It is your life after all and you dictate
it. You choose what thoughts go through your head, you choose what to react too, you choose
who to love and who is in your life. You choose how much money you have. There is so much
money out there in the world and it is so easy to obtain when you find ways to find it.

Comments