Suddenly

BOOM… I was the first one awake. There was a loud buzzing in my ear and I could hardly see because there was so much smoke everywhere. I was halfway across the room from where I was standing before the blast, and luckily, the force from the blast pushed me in the direction of the emergency gas shut off. Still disoriented, I tried to stand up to reach the shut off, but there was an excruciating pain in my leg. When I looked down I saw a piece of glass sticking out from my leg, but there was still only one thought on my mind, survival. So I hit the button and all of the gas shut off, then I reached for the fire extinguisher and let the spray hit the fire until it was all gone. I didn’t know how long it had been at that point and I couldn’t even see anyone else so I had no idea if they were alive. Then, I fell to the ground.

I woke up a week later in the hospital. My whole family was sitting around me and from the look on their exhausted faces, it seemed like they had barely slept. Then the nurse came in and told me to relax, as he told me what had happened. How the glass that went into my leg from the blast shattered half the bones in my ankle, how I had a concussion and how the smoke from the fire got into my lungs and that it would take a few more days to fully leave them. A few hours later, I was able to whisper and the first thing I said was, “is everyone alive.” I still didn’t know if my friends, my classmates, or my teacher were alive. The doctor, Dr. Patton came in a few minutes later and had my family leave the room. The first thing he said was, your classmates and teacher are all alive. And then he just looked me in the eye and said, you saved everyone, you stopped the fire and you turned off the gas. The pain I remember feeling right after the blast was nothing to the pain I had felt now, so all I could muster as a response was, “I didn’t do much.” In my head I thought only of the anger for him. The person I was referring to was the person responsible for the blast. A kid that was only in my class that day because he had to make up the lab. Well, he wasn’t thinking and decided to turn an empty gas station on and mix three chemicals together and put it in front of the gas. The next thing I know there was a huge explosion and I was right next to the blast. I was the one who took most of the force and I was the one who was the most injured. I had never felt this kind of anger before, this kind of rage, this hatred toward anyone before.

The undying fury of hatred I felt right after I woke up, didn’t go away even after weeks. It was the end of my third week in the hospital and everyone involved in the blast got to leave and go home. But my shattered leg and lungs required careful watch, or so that's what I was being told. I hadn't been home in a month and all I wanted to do was go home, where I could be by myself, where I could scream and yell and be so upset without anyone around. Unfortunately, Dr. Patton suggested that I meet with one of his old patients to help me deal with all my emotions and help me get back to normal. Yet, what no one seemed to understand that, I was different, I could never go back to before the bomb. And at the time, I thought I would just be meeting another person who wanted me to be normal, like they could’t except that I was different, that it wasn’t just my leg that shattered from the explosion. And then I met him, Tommy Winslow. He walked in the room and sat next to me and studied me for a while. Then he said, “I know what it’s like. I know what it’s like to be so mad that it feels like your own head can’t take all the dark desires you have for the person responsible. But let me tell you something. You can’t find a new normal if you don’t allow yourself to let go of all of this. More importantly, you have to choose to not give into the anger. Because giving into the anger will turn you into someone you don’t want to be. And this, even though awful, has two outcomes. One is you give into the anger and spend the rest of your life, hating the person who took away so much. Or you could, move on and become someone who accepts change with an open hand to shake. Even if we are angrier than ever, not accepting the change holds us from becoming someone, someone better.” Suddenly surprised by what he said, I couldn’t say anything. All I could do was nod my head.

He came to visit me everyday until I left the hospital 3 weeks after I met him. Even after I left the hospital he came at least once a week. I never fully understood why he kept coming to visit me, or what had happened to him. He never told me what had happened to him and I wasn’t going to ask. But I do know that he helped me more than I could even say. It wasn’t until I met him, and got to know him that I felt like I could just let it out. When I was with every other person in my life, my head, it’s like it wasn’t my own anymore. But with him, everything became clear. I started to get better and I learned to let go of the hatred I felt. I went on with my life, graduated high school and went to college. Looking back on it now, I realize that it was only because of him, what he said to me the first time I met him, his encouragement and understanding.

For years I saw him every week until I got a call from his wife. She called with news worse than the pain I felt after the accident. Tommy was an FBI agent and he had passed away, in the line of duty. I remember dropping the phone because I couldn’t imagine my life without the man who supported me no matter what. The funeral was a few days later and his wife asked me to speak. I didn’t know what to say, and the only thing I could think of was what Tommy had told me the first time I met him. The words that I had carried with me for years, the words that took me from hell and brought me back to life. So I walked up to the podium, everyone staring at me with tears in their eyes. And I said, “I wish there was something I could say that would bring him back. But I have known Tommy for more than half my life and what he said to me the first time we met has stuck with me and motivated me everyday. He said we can’t change the past, although we wish we could. We must become someone who accepts change with an open hand to shake. Even if we are angrier than ever, not accepting the change holds us from becoming someone, someone better.”

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