Sarcasm Galore
Giant balls of toxic gas rain down from the bloated torpedoes that aren’t making life any harder. Meaning that life has become the hardest it can be. See, some really crazy evil person decided, one day, that he wanted to beat God to the end of the world, so instantly embarked on his life-long mission to destroy the universe. It is now the end of the world, and I am chilling on my front porch, sipping coffee and enjoying the show. The air doesn’t smell so good, and I can tell that all the poisonous gas is killing me, but I can’t help smiling. I just gave some homeless people some food. I feel good. At least they won’t die hungry.
My best friend runs out of my front door behind me, looking very panicked.
“The world’s ending!!!” he shouts into my nose.
“Chill, dude. Can’t you feel the peace?” I say.
A huge fireball falls from the sky and incinerates my neighbor and his house.
“No!”
“Pathetic.”
“Pathetic?! Don’t you realize the world’s ending and there’s nothing we can do about it?”
“Yeah. So, like I say, bruh, chill.”
“Chill?! In this heat?!”
“It’s an expression, dude.”
My friend shakes me. “Snap out of it! The world is ending! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
“Sure, bruh.”
“What, then?”
“The world is ending.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Is that all?”
“Pretty much, bruh.”
“Ah! You’re like a freaking Jedi from Star Wars! Don’t you have any feelings on the matter at all?”
“Hey, man, I just, like, saved some homeless guys from starvation. I can live with death.”
“No you can’t!” my friend is desperate that I understand. “You can’t live with something that has killed you! You know why? ‘Cause you’re dead!”
A mountain crumples to dust in the distance, crushing a town at its foothills.
“Interesting philosophy.”
“It’s not a philosophy!!!! It’s the natural course of life! ... I mean death.”
“Dude, you should teach philosophy at Harvard.”
“I CAN’T!!!!!! WE ARE GOING TO DIE IN A FEW MINUTES!!!!!!!”
“Ouch. Screamed right in my ear, bruh.”
“Listen to me!”
“I’m trying, man. As soon as my hearing comes back I’ll be, like, as attentive as I can.”
“Don’t kid with me! My life’s too short for jokes!”
“Oh, it is?”
“Haven’t you been listening to anything I’ve been saying?”
“I think I have.”
“Oh, you think? Oh! There’s something new!”
“Why do you get so sarcastic when your life’s about to end? It’s like what I said when you had us jump into a live volcano accidentally on purpose. It’s when you’re on the edge that you should embrace honesty, bruh.”
“I was being honest!”
“Oh... well, at least you, like, took my advice.”
“I can’t believe you!”
“But you know I am being honest, man.”
“It’s an expression!”
“Never heard of it.”
We elapse into silence as we watch the desolation.
“The explosions are pretty,” I state.
My friend stares at me as though he can’t believe I’m his best friend. “I can’t believe you’re my best friend! You’re so morbid!”
“Relax, bruh. It is just a small case of the flu.”
“That’s not what I meant!”
“How come I always get you wrong?”
“Because you’re an idiot! Didn’t I already make that clear?”
“I can’t tell, dude. You’re always so sarcastic.”
“I’m never sarcastic! I‘ve never been sarcastic in my life!”
“Ouch. And I thought I knew you. Now I feel like you’re a perfect stranger, bruh. What’s happening to us?”
“We’re dying!”
“Oh, yeah. Almost forgot. Funny old thing, death.”
“How do you forget these sort of things?!”
“Well, between your shouting and my ringing ears, I find it, like, hard to remember anything.”
“Stop being so sarcastic!”
“I am not being sarcastic.”
“Stop lying to me!”
“Ouch. Now you think I’m lying.”
A giant comet is speeding towards my house… well… speedily.
“Yes!”
“How come?”
“How come?” My friend raises up his arms and drops them to his side in a moment of terrible hopelessness. “How come, you say?” He turns around and takes a short stroll to the other side of the porch. Then he rushes right back in a whirlwind of fury. “I’ll tell you how come! Because I think your whole existence is a joke!”
I laugh. “I can’t hear you when you shout, dude. You get all pitchy, you know?”
“YOU’RE A JOKE!!!!!!!!”
“Wow. That was, like, beyond hearing, bruh. You must have jumped, like, a million octaves. Could you turn it down?”
“Turn what down?”
“Your voice level, dude. Hey, maybe if you whispered. Anyway, can you see? I can’t see with all this light in my eyes, bruh.”
The comet is getting terribly close.
My friend takes a breath and whispers, “You’re a joke.”
“Oh... Hahahaha! I hear you, bruh. Too funny!”
We are incinerated.
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