No, sir, th dimmycratic party aint on speakin terms with itsilf. Whin ye see two men with white neckties go into a sthreet car an set in opposite corners while wan mutthers Thraiter an th other hisses Miscreent ye can bet theyre two dimmycratic leaders thryin to reunite th gran ol party.
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Many a man that couldn't direct you to the drug store on the corner when he was 3 will get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
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A rayformer thinks he was ilicted because he was a rayformer, whin th thruth iv th matther is he was ilicted because no wan knew him.
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Vice is a creature of such hideous mien... that the more you see it the better you like it.
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Comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.
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Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th'ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.
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The Puritans gave thanks for being preserved from the Indians, and we give thanks for being preserved from the Puritans.
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Don't jump on a man unless he is down.
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Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts.
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Most vegetarians I ever see looked enough like their food to be classed as cannibals.
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Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.
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The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
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The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.
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A lie with a purpose is one of the worst kind, and the most profitable.
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An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.
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Trust Everybody, but cut the cards.
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