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The Kitchen Not the Cake

There’s cheap lunches in the Barley Tavern,
each Wednesday, when after one o’clock.
I always chose to eat beer battered fish,
plus mystery cake a little bit ad hoc.
And this Wednesday here in the tavern,
Ted Austin joined me with his chosen dish,
which consisted of fruit salad in a bowl,
to follow after his beer battered fish.

I only get to meet Ted in the Tavern,
perhaps it’s half a dozen times a year,
when his wife goes visiting up north,
and that’s his chance to have a social beer.
But Ted tells me that this time she’s upset,
‘cause his big mouth had a bit too much to say,
he told her housekeeping would be easy,
if she organized herself a better way.

That meant shaking a red rag to a bull,
the charge meant Ted had better step aside,
she’s staying at her Mother’s for a month,
now Ted must put to practice for his pride.
“When I go home I’ll prove it to that woman,”
and then I watched him point down at me cake,
“when I leave, I’ll go home and start baking,
a much better cake than that make no mistake.”

“By the time she mucks about with wasting,
I’ll have the kitchen looking spick and span,
and you like her can bet your bottom dollar,
no one does manage time, better than this man.
Give me a couple of hours and come ‘round,
so I can prove to you, how to do it mate,
and if you like, you can bring some stubbies,
then judge me cake that’s sitting on a plate.”

Ted wiped his gob and after standing up,
he stomped to the exit door and gone,
something tells me he might need therapy,
to deflate his ego, and trouble it brings on.
But still I’ll go to see his woman’s touch,
and do me own judging this afternoon.
After knocking on his door with stubbies,
Ted’s pleased I didn’t miss this opportune.

Ted took me on a grand tour of his kitchen,
and the cake he baked was sitting on a plate,
Proudly Ted winked at me and then he said,
“Now I’ll leave you to do the judging mate.”
I have to say that Ted excelled himself,
not one thing out of place and really clean,
and Ted was strutting like a proud peacock,
as he explained how he produced the scene.

“I told you I was better than a woman,
while the cake was in the oven baking,
I washed the kitchen windows and ceiling,
but the walls were a little painstaking,
so after washing all the cupboard doors,
and the floors, I was finished in an hour,
that’s what I meant by using time wisely,
I even had the time to have a shower.”

Ted convinced me that it’s time to concede,
he was better in the kitchen than his wife,
but that’s before Ted sheepishly admitted,
“hang on! hang on! I got meself in strife.
The beaters on the mixer in the bowl,
when making chocolate icing I forgot,
and lacking concentration for a second,
I iced meself; the kitchen - yes the bloody lot!”
Ted’s wife did finally come back home,
not quite as bitter as she was.
As time went by her mood recovered,
and I found out why, because,
Ted learnt a lot within her absence,
so that she doesn’t get cut up -
stick to his shed and veggie garden;
in the kitchen - bloody well shut up!

Copyright © Lindsay Laurie | Year Posted 2020


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Date: 9/26/2020 11:34:00 AM

This is quite hilarious Lindsay, men think that the kitchen is easy, it is the most difficult to keep clean and tidy in a home, and I think Ted learnt his lesson and conceded! Loved his poetic story! Hugs and blessings, Jennifer.
Date: 9/24/2020 6:44:00 PM

you are SO good at stories, Lindsay. YOu should lend yourself out to be a storyteller at libraries and such!
Date: 9/23/2020 8:17:00 PM

Lindsay, This poem sure takes the cake. I suppose Google has it right that 'stubbies' are small bottles of beer/ale(?) Good oil in this story's moral. -Richard
Date: 9/23/2020 3:26:00 PM

This really gave me a giggle Lindsay. It was so well described I could see it all taking place. Loved how you brought up WHY he washed the windows, walls and even the ceiling. Great job. God Bless, JB
Date: 9/23/2020 11:18:00 AM

I really enjoyed this Lindsay. You are a great storyteller! :)
Date: 9/22/2020 6:50:00 PM

What a tale! Somehow I knew that old Ted was going to muck it up too... Thanks, Gershon
Date: 9/21/2020 9:38:00 AM

Oh Lindsay this is absolutely hilarious - I had an issue with my liquidiser - omg soup doesn't half make a mess when the lid isn't on properly lol:-) hugs jan xx
Date: 9/20/2020 11:39:00 AM

Tour de force! Aloha! Rico
Date: 9/20/2020 12:06:00 AM

How strange is this, the captcha was TED lol. Good message here Lindsay, a womans Castle is her kitchen, enter at your own risk. Tom