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Julia Pepka Poem
It’s two in the morning;
another sleepless night.
I lay in my bed,
Sobbing to the silence surrounding me.
Although around me is hushed,
My mind is as loud as ever.
Thoughts are spinning around my head,
How am I going to get these thoughts out of my head?
It’s now five in the morning,
Time to get ready for school.
Can anyone tell I haven’t slept?
Now I’m walking into school,
I have a lump in my throat and I don’t understand why.
I try to calm myself down,
There’s no need to get worked up from school.
I walk to my locker,
My hands are shaking and I can’t get the combination right.
Can anyone tell I’m a mess?
I walk to my first class, by myself of course.
The teacher smiles and nods, I try to fake a smile,
I don’t think it’s working.
I continue through the day.
People aren’t even acknowledging me anymore.
Next period is lunch,
The overwhelming anxiety of who I will sit with and what we will talk about haunts me.
I’m sitting at a table filled with my “friends,”
I force a laugh or too but then realize I don’t belong here.
Can anyone tell I’m not okay?
School’s over;
Finally time to go home.
Back at home, I run to my room and shut the door.
I collapse on my bed, and the tears come strolling down.
I stay in bed for the rest of the day,
Until I have to go eat dinner.
The continuous cycle of hiding my emotions and faking a smile continues,
It seems like no one can notice how unhappy I am.
It’s time to do homework,
But once you get it out you realize you have no energy to complete it.
Your grades are slipping,
Yet no one mentions anything.
It’s time to go to bed now,
But instead you stay up with the crippling thoughts that haunt your mind.
“Why me?” you think
“Why can’t I be happy? When is it my turn?”
“You don’t belong here.” You think to yourself.
But, if I don’t belong here, where do I belong?
Can anyone see I’m not okay?
Or do they see and decide not to bother with me because it’s too much to handle?
If it’s too much for them to handle, why can’t they see how hard it is to handle it myself?
Why don’t they realize that I can’t handle this all by myself?
Why does no one ask if I need help?
Why doesn’t anyone care?
Why doesn’t anyone see it’s been getting harder to get out of bed everyday?
I’ve hit rock bottom, and I have no intention of coming back up.
Copyright © Julia Pepka | Year Posted 2016
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Julia Pepka Poem
I’m not mad,
I don’t think I ever could be.
Or, at least, I don’t think I could ever be mad at you.
I am angry at myself though.
I’m angry I allowed myself to get so attached.
I’m angry I allowed someone to yet again be in control of my emotions.
I don’t despise you,
I never could.
How could I hate someone who gave me so much to be happy about?
I do hate the way I feel though.
I hate how I used to love waking up at five in the morning even if it meant I only saw you for five minutes the whole day.
I hate how every time someone mentions your name, or I see a picture of you or something that reminds me of you, I feel like I’m getting stabbed with a thousand knives.
I don’t hate you…
I swear.
I’m not going to lie and say I’m not sad,
because it feels like you tore my heart into a million pieces.
I won’t lie and say I didn’t cry,
I don’t think I have ever shed the amount of tears I did the night you ended things.
I’m not going to sit here and say I’m over you,
Because I’m not and I don’t know when I will be.
You gave me a lot to be thankful about.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy before.
But then, in a blink of an eye, you took it all away.
And I had no control of the situation or how you feel.
I guess that’s my problem.
I give and I give until I give everything I have to give.
I give and give no matter how much the other person is giving.
I give and give until I’m empty.
And once you’re empty, it’s hard to get full.
I empty it all out to the wrong people,
Just for them to leave.
I don’t hate you
Nor am I mad at you.
It’s my fault anyways,
I gave you the opportunity to learn my secrets, my fears, my interests, my everything.
But you chose that my everything was not everything for you.
I’m sorry I wasn’t everything for you…
Copyright © Julia Pepka | Year Posted 2016
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Julia Pepka Poem
Every morning, as the sun rises, my first thought is about you.
I rush downstairs, thinking I would be able to see you before I go to school.
But then, I realize I won’t see you.
Every night, as I’m ready to go to sleep,
I sit in my bed waiting for you to knock on my door and come in to say goodnight.
But then, I realize you will not be coming.
Every time I hear or see a piano,
I think about how later that night, you and I would sit and play together.
But then, I realize we can’t do that anymore.
Every time someone talks about what they’re doing with their dad’s this weekend,
I want to tell them how you and I are going to do something together.
But then, I realize we can’t do things together.
Every time someone brings up something funny their dad did,
I want to tell them what you used to do and how hilarious you were.
But then, I realize I cannot bring myself to say it.
Every time someone asks me about my dad,
I find myself going on and on about the things we used to do together.
But then, I realize we won’t ever be able to do those things together.
Every time I think about coming home after school,
I imagine us sitting down and talking about each other’s days.
But then, I realize we can’t do those things anymore.
Every time I think about the future,
I imagine you walking me down the aisle at my wedding.
But then, I sit and realize that you can’t even be there to experience it with me.
Every time I find myself thinking about you,
I tell myself to stop, because you’ll be back later tonight
But then, I realized that you’re not coming back.
Every time I get sad about never seeing you again,
I tell myself to stop because you would want me to be happy.
And then, I realized that it’s okay to be sad and it’s okay to miss you,
because I should feel grateful that I got to spend the time I did with you.
Copyright © Julia Pepka | Year Posted 2016
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Julia Pepka Poem
I’m at homecoming, Dad!
I know you didn’t get to see what I was wearing,
but, I will tell you all about it when I come home, Dad.
I’m coming home now, Dad.
Of course we get Wendy’s on the way.
I’ll be home in a couple minutes, Dad.
I’m on our road, Dad.
There’s several cars parked in our driveway.
My stomach drops,
Are you okay, Dad?
I go inside preparing for the worst, Dad.
I still have an inch of hope.
Mom tells me the news, I can’t believe her, Dad.
I know you weren’t going to make it much longer, Dad
but I didn’t expect it to be this soon.
I rush to my room,
I can’t be downstairs as all these people see my cry, Dad.
It’s been an hour, Dad.
There’s so many people at our house.
I can’t bare to go downstairs and see you lying there.
I’m sorry I never got to say goodbye, Dad.
It’s been five hours, Dad.
Mom keeps sending people to my room to see if I’m okay.
I can’t even talk, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, Dad.
It’s been a couple of days, Dad
and it’s been really hard to get out of bed in the morning.
I find Mom crying a lot, and I try to stay strong for her, Dad.
It’s been a week, Dad
and your funeral was today.
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.
I tried not to cry, but it was too much to handle.
I’m sorry, Dad.
It’s been a month, Dad
and school’s just been too stressful.
I find myself thinking about you a lot.
I really miss you, Dad.
It’s been two months, Dad
and I find myself dreaming you’re still here.
I wake up sobbing when I realize you are not here, Dad.
It’s been three months, Dad
and I can’t find a purpose to get up in the morning anymore.
It hurts so bad that you’re gone,
I feel like my world has fallen apart, Dad.
It’s been three and a half months, Dad
and Mom gets angry at me because I’ve given up on everything.
She took me to the doctors today, Dad
and she’s really worried about me.
My friend’s have given up hope on me too.
I feel so alone and I don’t know what to do, Dad.
It’s been four months now, Dad
and it’s still hard getting up in the morning,
I’ve been working on getting better, Dad
but sometimes it’s still a struggle to get up every morning.
I’m trying my best, Dad
But today I just couldn’t get myself up.
I couldn’t get out of bed today, I feel like I’m losing all hope.
I’m sorry, Dad.
Copyright © Julia Pepka | Year Posted 2016
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