Best Funnydeath Poems
How’s That Again?
Actual newspaper headlines taken from
http://www.alphadictionary.com/fun/headlines.html
Poem constructed by Elton Camp
A headline writer had the following to say:
“Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday”
The image produced we have to pardon:
“Child’s Stool Great for Use in Garden”
Of other associations, have no fears:
“Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures”
I didn’t expect this to happen so soon:
“Dealers will Hear Car Talk at Noon”
In storing his tools the man was so lax:
“Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax”
Want to see this myself:
“Eye Drops Off Shelf”
What a shock to his spouse:
“Farmer Bill Dies in House”
I wonder if old granny though this was fun:
“Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One”
A statement this obvious will make the reader smile:
“If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly it May Last a While”
So to have greater charms:
“Iraqi Head Seeks Arms”
What possibly could answering this gain us?
“Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?”
The justice system can be transcendent:
“Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant”
If you decide to test it, better be stealthy:
“Kicking Baby Considered To Be Healthy”
It’s a more effective than them just being talkers:
“Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers”
Folks like this, starvation can never slaughter:
“Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water”
In modesty, please keep her well draped:
“Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped”
In a careless newspaper this headline was read:
“Reagan Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead”
Surely his neck holds up his rosary:
“Robber Holds up Albert’s Hoisery”
Though losing her leg left the woman in a fix:
“Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66”
This surely would put their work into a deficiency:
“Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency”
It’s hard to see how it could really be any other way:
“Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say”
This feat I’d also much like to see:
“Stolen Painting Found by Tree”
Surely, ethics such forbids:
“Teacher Strikes Idle Kids”
You mean it didn’t increase?
“War Dims Hope for Peace”
For her, the meal couldn’t be merry:
“William Kelly was Fed Secretary”
I plan to write another poem like this
So please check back so as not to miss
I've never lived much
I've always lived as such
Just verily getting by
Doing little and little I try
I never really fell in love
Never really soared to heights above
Just did whatever I had to do
Just did enough to get me through
No wife no children no pets allowed
No politics no religion views most mild
No right or left just in between
I was quite moderate in everything
Simple is is simple does
Nothing fancy new or with a buzz
No hobbies no luxuries no friends or cares
No lovers no fantasies upon my head full hair
No worries no responsibilities no debts I owed
No words of wisdom to anyone did I ever bestow
No laughter no tears no smiles or frowns
No charity no clarity no thoughts profound
Just safe and simple in my comfort zone
To myself my life was lived and own
And then one day I died alone and old
Not even Mr. Death noticed to take my soul
No Books of Life or Death had my name
In realms of earth or Heaven was my spirit proclaim
At last by chance killing a roach
Did Mr. Death upon my corpse approach
He checked his list and checked it twice
How could this body be void of life?
He called his minions
Their research had no opinions
He asked Above
They redirected with a shrug
He pulled out my wallet and read my name
Nothing nothing what a darn shame
If you lived so void of life
How can I delight?
In taking a spirit that never lived at all
Your soul is yours nothing for me to haul
For if you're not worthy enough to have lived
Then you're not worthy enough to be dead
He turns and collects the roach to take below
Mr. Death declines my soul.