You'll Never Tell My Secret
(His Version of Your Secret I’ll Never Tell)
You call me your love, such a sweet endearment from someone I used to know, a sentiment that I am undeserving of and rightfully so
The secret you’re referring to is one I have tattooed on my heart, a picture frozen in time from the day my world fell apart
A vision of perfection, beauty unparalleled in earthly form, shredded into a million pieces depicting her heart that was torn
Torn open by the one she once believed in and trusted with her soul, seeing the tears escape her eyes and having to let her go
Because this secret, the one that she clutches with all her might, it could destroy all that I have now if she chose to fight
If she wanted to serve me up the revenge that I deserve so cold, all she would need to do is tell the story her and I once wrote
And her rapport, her demeanor, her lightness that shines, defines why I fell in love with her back in that time
Have I lived in fear and regret day after day? Wondering in the depths of me if a reckoning would come? One bearing my name
If so, I would deserve it, I will be the first to say, what gives me any right to move on when her heart I chose to break?
Not that I meant to, that is the last thing I ever wanted to do, but I had to see if her goodness could somehow break through
Breakthrough the evil, all the darkness I lived within, and the truth was it did breakthrough, but the question is, was it worth it in the end?
To try to give myself a fantasy of a life that I would never have, knowing I could never have it, but trying to hold onto it with both hands
She gave me parts of her, pieces that I can’t return, I keep them close to my heart I still thrive on them to learn
Learn to be better, to do better, to be a better man, but the sad part is what I shared with her then, where I am now wasn’t a part of the plan
I was supposed to marry her, to give her children and be all that she would ever need, and I hope that she knows how much I truly wanted that dream
But in reality, life isn’t always fair, sometimes you must let go of something so beautiful, to truly treasure something so rare
A gift that you have been given, to have another chance, to make things right, to give someone the life that you never had, sometimes there must be a sacrifice
Yes, I loved her, she was one of the two most important people in my life, but my child came first regret over leaving him would cut me deeper than the wound I received when I cut her out of my life
Not that I don’t have regrets, that is not what I’m trying to say, my heart breaks a little more inside when I picture her that way
But I know that I made the right decision, although she isn’t here with me now, I didn’t deserve the love that she gave or how she gracefully bowed out
Her words that he was more important and that she understood and only wanted happiness for me, it was enough to crush my heart and bring this grown man to his knees
I have never loved anyone in the way that I loved her then, but there is no going back, time has moved on and I pray that her heart found the strength to mend
I told her she deserved happiness and I heard that she is doing well, it makes me smile to hear this but at the same time it hurts like hell
Knowing that I could have been with her, maybe we could have found a way, but something inside of me tells me that to protect her soul, my leaving was the only way
She was much too beautiful of a soul to ever waste her precious time on a man like me, she knows all my secrets, but she still protects me
She sees through the darkness, the evil, the man I turned into after her and she is still so kind to me, knowing that I hurt others to drown my pain, to rid myself of the misery
She doesn’t judge me, she doesn’t tell me I wasn’t right, she just sees through the monster in me, and she helps me to fight
To fight the demons that I have trapped within my tortured soul, she may never be mine in this lifetime, but I pray she knows because of her I became whole.
Copyright © Amanda Kinzer | Year Posted 2022
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