Waves of Love

I’ve always known that I experience love differently than others, that I don’t always feel it. It is not something that remains constant. Instead, it comes in waves and surges like high tide; forgetting that it’s there until it crashes into me suspending me weightless head over feet with nothing solid to stand on. I’m suddenly kicking and thrashing, feeling for anything to wrap my fumbling fingers around so I’m not flung out to the merciless sea to fall prey to the dark creatures of the abyss. I am suffocating in this casket with no walls. I hold my breath and shut my eyes as tightly as I can. I let it bounce me around like a pinball. There’s no point in struggling, trying to control the game is a fool’s endeavor. I realize that I must embrace it. I tuck my knees to my chest, letting the current slam me into jagged corners of rock and coral, and tear open my flesh turning its cool blue body into something gruesome, crimson and cloudy. The salt stings every open wound, but then, just as swiftly, washes my blood stained skin leaving it clean and pure. It is all at once invigorating and terrifying. It is a nightmare within a wet dream. I balance on the very edges of mortality and sanity. A million thoughts in my mind and an instant deafening silence. I’m drowning, dying, flying. I am enslaved and emancipated. I yearn for sweet release, but I am strangely pleased in purgatory. A bizarre comfort in torment and despair. Still I search; for the light must be near. I must play in the shallows or retreat to the shadows of the deep. I know the way but not the outcome. I accept my fate and let go, it is time to reach the surface.

Copyright © Lj Jackson | Year Posted 2016

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