Want To Replace Gardenia With a Claw

My hat has a gardenia that refuses to behave. She throws a fit that would make a Neanderthal cave. I asked what she needed, what helps, what does she crave? She said she always wanted a close straight razor shave. But wouldn’t that hurt you as you are made of straw? She gave me a look that made my heart blanch and turn raw. A gardenia and yet, she is as abusive as a rabid jackdaw. I wish my hat had instead a dead rooster’s lifeless claw.