Wallowing

See, I've been wallowing in it for far too long
knee deep sunk in it even at times 
eyes too marred by melancholy to see the way out 
even as I gave in to the allure of escapism 
Sinking deep into the cup I was still sipping pipping hot memories out of
dunking my sorry self in the dark pit of sorrow longing to be relieved of the itch to rouse the past from its restless slumber 
my escape route from my rather wandersome insomniac thoughts 
Somehow I still ended up beneath the familiar flowy ever green veil of willow draping I wished away a while ago 
back on my scrapped creaky knees, tightly latched onto the ample teat of nostalgia, that suckled me a steady flow of stale bitter sweet memories 
That very same ever weeping altar where I once buried myself alive 
in willow bark to will my heart into a hurried rebirth 
then stepped out of the rubble that was once a womb without a care 
never once did I glance back at the flimsy remains of my slough since 
Kneeling beneath the weeping willow busy wallowing in sorrow might have appeared pitiful to some 
but I knew better than to take it at face value even as I wished it to be over and done with 
Did earn myself scars that masquerade as badges of glory on occasion 
Right there, beneath its flopping, ever green tear streaks swaying listlessly to the gales of fall
my reminders of resilience and versatility in times of desperate need 
"In it to win it aren't you lad?" cynicism quipped in passing, on account of those sun kissed medals 
but I just shrugged and said I used to be mostly a lady, never been a lad fully, now I'm saged and a bit sad at times but I don't feel aged at all
I think I'm really in it to wing it truth be told
Still I stayed down there, dunking my sorry forlon self in the dark bottomless pool of sorrow with no room to worry for the morrow 
till I took an untimely spill and landed in a tubful of warm refreshing tears 
where I gained instant release from the clutches of gloom 
and then regained what I assumed to be insight at the time 
"Refreshing innit lad?" fortitude pointed out the obvious with a wink
to which I intoned "innit though!?"  with an impish grin
glad to be rid of my sorrow for good
Good riddance to my woes I told myself, among others things, 
as I floated into the unknown, eyes wide shut in blissful ignorance
blithering fool that I was, my sights devoured by celestial visions 
of shooting stars, platinum nests chock full of golden eggs
and pools of infinite abundance
Went ahead and laid my last bet underneath the hooves of the flighty 'someday' 
While witlessly joyriding on the shifty wings of hope 
the favoured past time of the foolish as it were 
Little did I know.... but to this day should haves and could haves remain as barren as a mule, as you well know 
that was then, today is the day someday finally showed up
So allow me once more to wallow in pitiful sorrow beneath that weeping willow where I once sat and wept the years away a lifetime ago, cos someday came in way too soon for my liking 
While my mind is still entranced by what was left in that willow bark back then
On it's treacherous trek down an endless maze of what once was
that often leaves me trapped in a timeless orbit, haunted by all that I used to be once upon a time
Now that the honeymoon is out of the way, could it be I left myself under the weeping willow draped in willow bark back then?
Went and looked in the mirror the  other day, just to be sure, only to find my shadow looking back at me with hollow eyes 
By the way where is time in all this? Did I loose it along the way as well? 
Oh well...
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