Upon Reflection
I'd like to sit beside myself, if only for awhile.
I'd ask me how I do it, how do I always smile.
Id say "Because I have to. There is no other way."
Then I'd frown and wring my hands and slowly look away.
I know I'd never lie to me, the truth is always best.
Sometimes the charade is heavy and I could use a little rest.
So I ask myself "How long do I hope to keep this up?"
Id look at me and reply "With just a little luck,
I'll keep this up forever. Or till my spirits crushed."
I'd look away again, my query gently hushed
Id notice when I look at me, I look battered and abused.
The smile is old and worn, disheveled and too used.
The face in my reflection, it doesnt look the same.
It looks genuine and true, if not a little lame.
The problem with looking at yourself, as maybe you will see.
Is the one you always thought yourself, is not who you should be.
Perhaps if I sit here long enough, with me for just awhile.
I'd see that all my problems, were caused by my denial.
Ive denied my own existence, my happiness and worth.
The cost of which not understood, until my childs birth.
Do I want him to be happy? More than anything that's true.
I would go to me beside myself and work away the glue,
thats held this mask in place, forever and a day.
Id look me straight into my eyes "Now what do you say?"
As I reply I'll meet that stare. "I've done it all for him."
I'd think about that answer, and give a little grin.
I'd notice that that smile, now looks genuine and real.
I'd know its when I look at HIM, I truly have to feel.
When times are hard and troubled, not a little rough.
The picture of HIM in my heart, will always be enough.
I'd realize that the me who spoke, I'd never cared for much.
Because I said the things I couldn't, I wouldnt ever trust,
the parts of me that felt that I deserved a better life.
Not a life-time of poor acting, an uncompromising wife.
Not a game to be played by someone elses rules.
I didnt like that me at all. Because that me was a fool.
Whenever I would hear me scream, I'd shut my ears up tight.
Didnt matter what I said made sense. Didn't matter I was right.
So as I sit here with myself, I finally comprehend.
As long as I despise myself, I could never be my friend.
Yes I sit here with myself, but not alone. I have to smile.
Cause I now have myself with me, if only for awhile.
Copyright © Gabriel Paczkowski | Year Posted 2011
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