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The Most Disappointing

You know I love you
But you’ve made so many mistakes
Broken so many promises
Made me cry so many hours
And I can’t take it anymore
For years I’ve kept this in
Just beneath my skin
Building up the courage
To take you down 
To tell you how you made me feel
But then I’d see you
How could I be mad at that face?
The big brother I always wished I had
But I’m done letting this go
So I’ll give you a little taste
Of what’s been keeping me up at night

I find it extraordinary
That I’m just barely secondary
To everything else in your life
You put this weight on me
That I know I’ll have to carry
Making me so weary
I feel like Atlas
My god damn back is breaking
All you’re ever doing is taking
And I’m shaking
From the rage I feel
How dare you treat me this way!
You can’t even bother
To stop for a moment
Passing me on the street
To make chit chat 
Ask me how my day is going

And I am very aware
That you don’t care 
You never wanted to share
So you don’t know the burdens that I bare
You’ve just never been there
And when I had that scare
You didn’t even show 
You’d think a “brother” would know
So I let this anger grow
And now it’s ready to blow
When my life was derailed
I gave you the test and you failed
This ship has sailed
I’d tell you not to talk to me 
But you don’t even check your email
Never taking my calls
Never writing me back
But guess what?
I don’t need you anymore
I was weak
But now I’m strong
I can’t believe I defended you for this long
Now I can see that I was wrong
Trying to convince myself that you loved me too
I let myself believe that I was defective
Or something
It wasn’t you, it was me
But now I see you for who you are
You’re so emotionally crippled
That you could never live up to my expectations
And I guess I can’t blame you for that

But I also can’t help how I feel 
Like it’s just not fair
My whole life I waited for you
Waited for someone to be over-protective
Whose shoulder I could cry on
Who would cover for me, defend me
At least take a ****ing interest in my life
And out of all the disappointments 
You are the most disappointing of all
I know you said you would step up
Even though all you do is screw up

But you know the sickest part out of all of it?
Is that when you tell me, “I love you Chess,”
I can’t help but forgive you
Because I still love you, no matter how much I hate you.

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