The Girl With No Last Name

She was always so insecure, as far back as I can remember she never realized her true worth, she let people use her, and never cared about getting hurt If everyone else was happy and smiling, she could play the charade, the part of the happy girl, that it never rained on her parade Her first taste of love was a boy that she knew well, her best friend was dating him, and he promised her, that he would never tell He told her she was beautiful, and he never cared for her friend, at that moment she should have walked away and told him this must end It should never had started in the first place, but she didn’t believe in herself, she never believed that she was pretty enough to get a guy like him, and she put her morals on a shelf She loved the way he made her feel, and she believed his every lie, until the day that he betrayed her too, and told her goodbye The next time that she found love she almost missed the chance, by thinking something better would come along any minute, and wouldn’t give him a glance Once she realized that he was sincere, and he truly liked her and who she was, she gave her heart to him, so she tried to love With him she made so many mistakes, she continued to fall into her old ways, she wouldn’t open her eyes to see that she fulfilled his days She always felt that something was missing, that she wasn’t getting the attention that she was used to, she started hanging out with his friends and ignoring him, which was wrong and deep inside she knew She craved the attention and how the jealousy burned in his eyes, she was a cruel person, wrapped up in a beautiful disguise She knew that she was hurting him, but she acted as though she didn’t care, the only time it affected her is when he wasn’t there There was no one there to hurt, no one to put on a show for, so she played the familiar game and knocked on his best friend’s door She painted on her flirtatious smile and blinked her lying eyes, she was ready to play the game and he was none the wise She just wanted to feel something, any emotion to drown the pain, being in his arms was wrong, but at the time it made her sane She knew what she was doing and what it would cost her in the end, but she didn’t care at the time, she just wanted the attention of men If only she would have devoted her time and efforts to the one who truly loved her, she wouldn’t be alone now, searching for another Spending her days dreaming of a love that used to be, and crying herself to sleep at night because this is her reality Going out searching for the one who broke her heart in two, trying to catch his eye and make him see the truth The truth, that he didn’t break her heart at all, it was her own fault, she played the game, and she created her own scars The scars that surround her heart from loves that never last, painful memories and visions of her past Encounters and glimpses of futures that could be, if she would let go of her self-hatred and her insecurities But once again love crept inside and played with her heart, and her broken mind kept telling her this time it was real, and everything would work out fine She should have known better than to believe in a happy ending, for someone like her, there is only ever, new beginnings She got married to a man that she never loved, she just didn’t want to be alone, so she lied to herself and to him, and her heart turned to stone She didn’t care about being happy anymore, she didn’t even know the true meaning, she just wanted stability and to know someone was there, even if her heart was bleeding She hadn’t felt any emotions in so long, and all she wanted was to feel something, even if that something, was wrong She had an encounter with a man that was already taken by marriage, as was she, but that didn’t stop her from falling into the deepest part of the sea The deepest and darkest place where you know you should feel ashamed, but you’re too hurt to care, and you just don’t want to feel any more pain She thought that she loved him, and he said that he loved her too, they both were trying to fill a void, and, in her heart, she knew He would be the one that would bring her back to life, and at the same time wreck her soul, he would be her hero, and the love that she would never let go He wanted to be with her, but his fear stood in the way, he wanted their love to be enough, but, in the end, he walked away He told her that he was a coward, that he wasn’t man enough to let her go, but he could never give her what she needed, and he thought that she should know He went back to his old life as though nothing ever happened at all, he chose to ignore her, and never bothered to call She thought that she was broken and that she would never find the one to call her own, after all, she deserves this, for all she has done wrong Playing with other’s emotions and treating love as a game, not caring whom you hurt, and never accepting the blame For all her tears and struggles and all that she has endured, she had to heal her own heart, and find the everlasting cure She had to reach deep within herself, through the lies and misery, to find the answer to heal her soul, she knew the cause, she just wasn’t ready to set the goal She always felt unwanted, since the first man in her life walked away, and so she chose to hurt others before pain could say her name It’s sad that she could have been loved, the way she always wanted to, but she chose to walk away instead, and never seen things through She jeopardized her chances by playing with the hands of fate, and now she realizes, that it may just be too late As her conquests, or lovers, or pawns, or whatever they choose to call her after her senseless game, to herself she will be known to them, as the girl with no last name. This poem is from my book titled Windows of The Heart available for purchase on Amazon and Kindle. My pen name is Amanda Carroll Kinzer