The Christmas Mouse

The Christmas Mouse T'was the night before Christmas And with everything done The kids were all dreaming Of Christmas Day fun The tree was completed We had wrapped all the toys When from the basement below We heard a faint noise I sprung from the couch Took off down the stairs On my way through the kitchen I tripped on two chairs I slid down the staircase To the base of my house And there with my shortbreads Was a bloody great mouse My wife followed close And then she let out a shriek She saw me and the mouse And she started to freak He nibbled the cookie and he ran past my nose right down my torso Then he stopped at my toes My wife was still screaming The mouse didn't care He continued his running On under the stairs I crawled to my workshop Grabbed the first thing I found A mallet for pounding That mouse in the ground I limped to the staircase And I swung at the wall I again lost my balance And again, I did fall I put two holes in the riser Two more in the tread I was gonna keep swinging Till that mouse was dead I broke the one lightbulb That lit up the room Now I was worried I couldn't see...found the broom I stepped on one end Squared my self in the sack I then heard a noise The mouse had come back I heard his slight skitter As he went past my feet He was off to the larder For more stuff to eat I went back to the workshop Tripping at least three more times I would finish this mouse He would pay for his crimes I grabbed for a lighter And my large propane torch I would hunt down this mouse And his **** I would scorch I lit up the propane And I aimed at the stairs It caught light on the carpet And I burnt both those chairs The flames went on upward The stairs were quite dry I laughed in hysterics That damn mouse would fry My wife had recovered And decided to run but, after seeing the flames She phoned up 9 1 1 The mouse left the building In fact, he never was found The house burned in seconds It collapsed to the ground And through the whole scene I just stood there and laughed At the wreckage before me And I thought, damn I'm daft I had ruined our Christmas And I burned down our house Over a damn shortbread cookie And one little mouse The kids, they got out And were wrapped up and warm While I was creating My own perfect storm The gifts were all ruined The house ...all consumed And over my head One large question loomed If I had gone for the shotgun And shot at the mouse Would I be still having Christmas And would I still have a house My wife came on over And she gave me a swat She said "look what you've done" "you great stupid ****" I learned a great lesson and folks ...it is that Once I rebuild I will then buy a cat!!!