Suisideffect

Leaving feels like losing you and leaving feels like lonely, The closest thing to calm I have are nights when you're there to hold me. Contact feels like grounding, your embrace feels like Safety. God knows I haven't felt enough of that lately. Leaving feels like cords severed. Heart string and a hollow pit in my stomach, The ache to be near you and wish that I wasn't. So f'd up, so f'ing insane. Every time you leave it leave imprints on my brain. Co-dependent personality. Thats my diagnosis, Do you know what that means? It means when I'm alone I feel hopeless. I can't help that the pressure drops me to my knees. I can't stop the intrusive thoughts that make it hard to breathe. I'm sorry that my first solution is always su!c!de. Because this is not a world I ever wanted to reside. I take the meds that are supposed to fix this chemical imbalance, Every memory I have is a trauma response and I'm aware its f'ing tragic. I never learned how to cope with the truth, Or how everytime I offer my body I feel used. I am held together by this blanket of scars. Begging someone to see them for what they are. My ribs. My thighs. My wrist. My eyes. Do you know how hard it is to lie? I'm not alright. I'll promise you forever but I want to leave today. I want to leave right now. I dont want to feel this way. Because the closest thing to peace I had was with a razor to my wrist. Enough alcohol to drown the screaming past my chapped lips. I dont mean to dwell but did that feel nice, It was probably the pills cause I dont know what else went down that night. I just know that it felt warm and I felt safe knowing I'd never wake up. Never feel that heart ache of being told to "get back up" I know being su!c!dal is not helping my case. But your honor, if I'm honest. I f'ing hate this place. I repeat cycles and hurt everyone who's close. I push the only people who care about me away, This is not a life I would have chose. I get it. I promise that I do. But when I tell you that its me. Please don't ever think its you.