Christy Totten Poet I do not know?

Stay

I was 6 or 7 when I sang in church
about the joy, joy, joy, joy, in my heart, yeah,
down in my heart to stay. 
Fourteen years later everything is trans
and I'm wondering if anything is in my heart to stay,
most of all joy...
And yet today, I hummed the tune of that song
I haven't sung since Bible School.
I used to take 'stay' for granted,
even now, I pass that word around
when really, it means everything.

           I once told him about the independence I need,
           his mouth said no, his head shook back and forth
           his brown eyes said stay-
           I was telling not asking.
           His eyes always pulled me in
           but even they couldn't make me stay...

I thought i knew everything about words
until I realized I'm running away from everything,
thinking someday, I'll arrive at the doorstep
of someone who will stay forever.
But what if this is me?
What if I never look at anyone with sad eyes
that beg, beg them to stay.
What if my heart never breaks again
because the joy is so far down 
even a magician couldn't pull it from his hat. 

          Physical touch stays
          which is why I often shy away
          like the animals I once saw at a petting zoo
          with a fence and a sign that said "Don't Touch"-
         (But it's a petting zoo????????)
         God put us here to touch one another
          but I've always been into metaphors,
          it's safer that way- 
          standing outside the fire, Garth Brooks calls it. 
          Fire burns if you get too close,
          and touches can brand if you let them.
          I don't want a tattoo unless it's a winged foot
          above my ankle,
          I'll use it to fly away.

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