Questioning Love

How many times do I have to run out of love to realize that I might not be built for this ****, I'm meant to live forever but love seems to suck the gas from my tank wit no remorse. What is pleasure without pain? Imagine having pleasure and pain so close on the spectrum together that they become one in the same. Chasing after one only to be confronted by the other. Smothered by the thoughts of escaping but you drown deeper while also feeling higher ....what is this "?