T.L. Drover Poet Rhyme

Piercing Blue Eyes

You saw into the very depths
of all that I rarely share;
all of me, bared before you
yet you didn't even care.

Cold, icy, penetrating,
eyes that could freeze
molten lava - bitter, morose,
but underneath a spark did tease.

A playful glimmer, deeply hidden,
true warmth radiating with the word
of love you so rarely spoke, leaving
me to wonder if it was ever heard.

I used to long with desperation
for you to turn those eyes on me,
to really know me and to care
that my love ran deep as the sea.

Until finally one day I came to know that
hid behind your eyes was a barren soul
And so I left, to somehow find a way
to make my broken heart whole.

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T.L. Drover July 19, 2010 at 8:46 PM Thanks so much for the comment, and the critique is very much appreciated. I agree with you - I wasn't sure of the word order but I thought it might flow better the way I did it originally. After your comment I realized that you are right, it just sounds kind of pretentious! I'm going to change it, and thanks so much for reading my poem and taking the time to help me make it a little bit better :-)

James Midkiff July 19, 2010 at 8:36 PM now... for a small critique: I don't necessarily agree with the small changes in the order of the words at the end of stanza 2 and 3, where you reversed the phrasing of your sentences "a spark did tease" and "was ever it heard". I just think that it seems a little overdone, in that you are actively "trying" to make it sound more poetic, and the words should be speaking for themselves. regardless of all that, it was a very enjoyable read.

James Midkiff July 19, 2010 at 8:34 PM I wanted to thank you for your comment on my poem today, and decided on this poem, because I have blue eyes, and find blue eyes incredibly attractive. I think it flows together very well as a solid piece, and I especially enjoyed the first two stanza's. Your imaginative terms in stanza two really conveyed a lot of the meaning of the poem. I am sorry that the relationship didn't work, eyes are only one piece of the puzzle.