Out of Reach

One of the cruelest aspects of Alzheimer’s is the way this disease unfolds… how it’s able to disguise itself, at first, as just a part of growing old: It began with her misplacing and forgetting things for that’s what old age does. then progressed to her looking at me…bewildered…forgetting who I was. Such is the demeanor of this disease…the nature of this beast I never knew on any given day if it’s grip was strong… or if Mom would be released. There were times when I saw the fear in her eyes.. when I heard the quivering of her speech, ?“What is happening to me!” She’d plead. “Why are my memories out of reach?” For this is the heartless game Alzheimer’s plays… there were times she knew me……she knew where she was…and when… times she was luminous and lucid…when she was my mom again. Times when Alzheimer’s set her free… when she’d sense my sadness and my fear… and she would hold my face within her hands and say, “Don’t worry, dear, I’m here.” But Alzheimer’s is unrelenting…at first content with making small demands… willing to allow Mom her moments…while waiting patiently to take command. I remember the first time she didn’t remember me…I bowed my head to hide my tears. When suddenly she was back…holding my face within her hands saying, Don’t worry dear, I’m here.” We had no choice but to bend to Alzheimer’s whim… to celebrate every high while enduring every low… and I would wait until after my visit ended before letting my anger flow. When I knew she was lost to me forever… when I sensed her constant confusion..when I could see her disoriented tears… I would take her face within my hands and whisper in her ear… “Don’t worry, Mom.”“There’s nothing you ever need to fear. wherever you are…don’t worry… don’t worry Mom…I’m here.”