Melody Sokolow Poet Ballad

My Criminal Past

It’s all too much
I try and try 
yet things just don’t 
happen right
for me

Just when I think
situations may just
turn around

Out of the blue
it comes to haunt me
My criminal past  

Years ago 
I was in a store 
trying on a red scarf 
around my neck
wanting to be
good
to myself
for a moment

When my father called 
and I fell to the floor
I remembered everything

I guess I walked out
not realizing
I still wore
the scarf

And so they took me 
that day
they took me
in chains

Removed me
without respect
not as a child-like
woman
a damaged soul
someone in need
of repair

But rather, as a criminal

Yet, I was the victim
not the perpetrator

I was hit 
with the truth 
by my father 
on the phone
that day
in the store
while trying on
the red scarf

I saw it all in pictures 
and it didn’t stop
for days
months 
years
afterward

Even so, 
I lost 
the little place 
I lived
due to 
My criminal past

While my 97 year old 
“father” lives on,
I sleep all the time
am hurt 
all over again
remembering it all

For some
inexplicable reason
I felt it my responsibility 
to tell the man
who owned my little home 
to convey to him 
why I was a criminal 
and how it came to be  

I took a chance

Because I did that
I chose to reveal that thing
that was so secret
and hurt myself so gravely
that no one 
has mercy on me now

Out of luck,
there was no escaping

How can I break free
from all that binds me
that tethers me
to these pictures
repeated

I long to grow up
like other girls
with clean lives
But my criminal past
is a chain
around my ankle

As I wait 
for that moment
of transformation,
I wretch my guts out
and can’t stop 
remembering……

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