Me

I am not sad, I am depressed, weird right? Someone whom is always laughing and smiling, always enjoying the time they have spending it with their loved ones, and friends. Yes, I can be happy throughout the day, being able to see everyone that knows how to throw a huge smile on my face. Yet, when that time comes where all of those horrible thoughts come to my mind, and drown me with those terrible words, I feel as if there is nothing I can do to move forward in my life. I will be lying in bed, and all of those scary emotions take over me, these times are the moments that I realize that you can’t fake it until you make it to where you want to be in life. I have literally shut down; I am so mentally and emotionally exhausted. Whenever someone tries helping me, it is like I black out, I forget how I feel or how I want to feel. I don’t talk about much of my feelings, or what is going on in my mind anymore. I guess I thought it would be better that way, not having anyone feeling like they have to worry about me all of the time. I push a lot of the really good people away, and I tend to let the ones who might hurt me into my life. I refuse to let anyone attempt to love me, or care about me. Those are some pretty bad traits that not many have realized about me. I feel like I take a lot for granted, and I don’t notice what I really have until it’s gone. That’s what sucks, I always realize that I should’ve never listened to those people who told me I was doing wrong, when I felt the happiest I had ever been. I always let other people change my perspective on someone that may be totally different to me, than they had been to them once. I’m really tired of missing out on good things that could chance my life for the better. I just want to end up happy, through all of this part of me thinks I deserve it, I really don’t know what to think, maybe it just wasn’t meant for me. I think that may be true, it is a constant battle, trying to see what is or isn’t right for me.