Insecurity Part Three

I thought to please a man/boy you were to give and never take, that you use your body to make them happy, to put that smile on their face It’s sick I know and twisted that my mind thought that way, because even though I knew it was wrong I was too young to comprehend those things didn’t work that way So, I was subjected to mind games with this boy for many years down the line, he would call me up just to mess with me and then throw me away time after time And the sad part is that I took it, I relished in the fame, I thought that I was special because he had called out my name It’s sad to sit back and recollect on my relationships from my past, but the one that did me in is the one that should have lasted This time it wasn’t a boy, this time it was a man, no mind games, no telling lies, just someone that tried to show me that the pain they could understand He was such a romantic even though he was broken too, the words that he spoke I had never heard from anyone, and it made me question if they could really be true He showed me how a man is supposed to react, how a man is supposed to feel, that a man can truly love you and want nothing, but to show you it’s real He thought that I held back because I didn’t express myself as he did, but he wasn’t aware of what I had been through when I was just a kid One special night I explained my past and he held me as I cried, he also told me things about his past as we laid together that night We shared secrets that night, ones that neither had ever told, but this time keeping his secret was easy, it wasn’t crammed down my throat I wanted to keep his secret and I know he keeps mine, because I felt a soul connection with this man, something I have never felt in my life The way that he spoke to me, the way that he looked so deeply into my eyes, I was finally able to let go of the pain that I had carried with me for over twenty years of my life I wasn’t ashamed to speak of things to him, but I did feel naked and afraid, I didn’t want him to see me uncovered and then change his mind and run away See those old insecurities they scarred me so that I couldn’t even have confidence with the man that I loved so much, I resorted back to believing that perfection is what mattered to him, but he reassured me with his touch The way that he looked at me, not at my nakedness, but the nakedness in my eyes, the way that he could see the brokenness within and how he just held me oh so tight All that he wanted and asked for in return, is just to let him hold me in his arms until those memories burned Sadly, this beautiful man left my life, but it was better off that way, although in my heart I would have given anything if he would have stayed I will always remember him and the way that he helped me through, he showed me that not all men can hurt someone, and that love can really be true But here I am years later married but still scarred, and every day I fight these demons and sometimes it’s just so hard I mess up, I falter every day of my life, I hurt the man that has given his heart to me because of my past, although I know it isn’t right I’m not trying to use my past as a crutch, as an excuse for how I deal, but to be honest it’s hard to let someone be good to you and love you and believe that their love is real Especially when you’ve been tortured and put through all types of pain, emotional and physical it’s a wonder I’m not insane Having my childhood innocence taken away by a man that knew better than me, and then believing that my body is what I was supposed to use to get men to notice me Believing that sexual attention is what love was all about, and then finding true love with your soulmate but things just not working out To getting married and having children now of my own, and vowing and praying that things will be different and that I am never truly alone I have something with me, a part of my past that makes up me, whether I like it or not it is adhered to me, it is my brokenness, my innocence taken, my insecurity.