Saskia Eugene Poet Rhyme

I See Now What Kneeling Has Cost Me

The door closes soft, like it’s learned my name
Like even the sound doesn’t want the blame
Your absence sits where your body was
Heavy and calm, like it always does

I stay on my knees though you’re already gone
Muscle memory clinging to what I was on
My mouth still shaped around words you refuse
My body confused by being so used

I replay the begging, each carefully said line
How I traded my worth for a little more time
How I made myself smaller with surgical care
Convinced that shrinking would keep you there

I don’t feel dramatic I feel exact
Like something in me has quietly snapped
Not loud enough for regret or despair
Just the dull understanding: I wasn’t spared

I told myself wanting you made me brave
But bravery doesn’t look like a cave
It doesn’t sound like pleading to stay
Or calling abandonment delay

I see now how gently you let me fall
How you never pushed; I did it all
You just stood still and let me choose
To turn myself into something you could use

I thought the shame was yours to divide
But shame is heavier on the side that hides
You walk back to life mostly unchanged
I stay with the damage neatly arranged

I don’t hate you, I don’t have the strength
Hate requires boundaries, distance, length
All I have is this hollowed truth
I loved you louder than I loved myself, and lost the proof

I won’t swear I’m done, I won’t swear I’m free
But I see now what kneeling has cost me

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