Holding On
He always had such a loving smile
When he tucked me in at night
Outside playing games
We had a ball
He seemed like the perfect dad
Yet at least once a day that warmth would leave him
And when it did I knew
It was time to head to that secret room
Strip off my clothes
And do all I could to arouse his manhood
While inside I was barely
Holding On
I was the kid who everyone thought
Was oh so happy
I fooled so many
When I pasted that smile on
If they only knew
The thoughts that were going through my head
I had to wear long sleeves
And jeans even in the summer
To hide the scars
Of suicide attempts gone sour
Yet I kept plotting
The time, the place the way
It must not have been my time
Because here I still am today
I just know that if anyone had known
They would have been shocked
Because how many children
Would even have the knowledge
Or even understand
What it is to die
By their own hand
Especially as young as eight years old
I was the child
Who despite all my smiles
Was barely
Holding On
To this day
I still hear people say
What a wonderful man he was
Like a saint some say
And I wonder for a second
What they would have to say if they
Only knew
The monster he hid inside
Then I check myself
And I remember that I can’t say a word
I have to protect the family name
For the generations to come
So in this poem
Is the only place I can be heard
And as hard as it is
It is what I have
And I just have to try to keep
Holding On
What do you do?
When the world is so blue
You’re afraid to say much
So you don’t say a thing
Then it all festers up
And you feel all these emotions
Boiling over
Yet I know that I have to keep
Holding On
I can’t bring myself to hate him
I can’t even bring myself to blame him
I want so bad to keep holding on
To the images I always had
Before the memories came flooding in
They are all so overwhelming
I feel so out of control
I want to curl up in a corner and hide
But then the monster inside of him
Would win
So I try to keep
Holding On
Even though I feel like I am losing my grip
I look in the mirror
And I don’t even recognize the person I see
Because what is staring back at me is
A big blob of fat and filth
Where is this wonderful person everyone else
Tells me that they see
Strong and beautiful
I definitely don’t see
I know I am not blind
Because whoever she is
She can’t be me
&
While I am really slipping
Tired and worn out
I am not sure I am ready to give up
So I just hope
I can find a light
A reason to keep
Holding On
Copyright © Jeanna York | Year Posted 2013
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