Jeanna York Poet Lyric

Holding On

He always had such a loving smile
When he tucked me in at night
Outside playing games 
We had a ball
He seemed like the perfect dad
Yet at least once a day that warmth would leave him
And when it did I knew 
It was time to head to that secret room
Strip off my clothes 
And do all I could to arouse his manhood
While inside I was barely 

Holding On

I was the kid who everyone thought 
Was oh so happy
I fooled so many 
When I pasted that smile on
If they only knew 
The thoughts that were going through my head
I had to wear long sleeves 
And jeans even in the summer
To hide the scars
Of suicide attempts gone sour
Yet I kept plotting 
The time, the place the way 
It must not have been my time 
Because here I still am today
I just know that if anyone had known 
They would have been shocked
Because how many children 
Would even have the knowledge
Or even understand 
What it is to die 
By their own hand 
Especially as young as eight years old
I was the child 
Who despite all my smiles 
Was barely 

Holding On

To this day 
I still hear people say
What a wonderful man he was
Like a saint some say
And I wonder for a second 
What they would have to say if they
Only knew 
The monster he hid inside 
Then I check myself
And I remember that I can’t say a word
I have to protect the family name
For the generations to come
So in this poem 
Is the only place I can be heard 
And as hard as it is 
It is what I have 
And I just have to try to keep

Holding On

What do you do?
When the world is so blue 
You’re afraid to say much
So you don’t say a thing
Then it all festers up
And you feel all these emotions 
Boiling over 
Yet I know that I have to keep

Holding On

I can’t bring myself to hate him
I can’t even bring myself to blame him
I want so bad to keep holding on 
To the images I always had 
Before the memories came flooding in
They are all so overwhelming
I feel so out of control
I want to curl up in a corner and hide 
But then the monster inside of him
Would win 
So I try to keep 

Holding On

Even though I feel like I am losing my grip
I look in the mirror 
And I don’t even recognize the person I see
Because what is staring back at me is
A big blob of fat and filth
Where is this wonderful person everyone else 
Tells me that they see 
Strong and beautiful
I definitely don’t see 
I know I am not blind 
Because whoever she is 
She can’t be me
&
While I am really slipping 
Tired and worn out 
I am not sure I am ready to give up 
So I just hope
I can find a light 
A reason to keep

Holding On

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