Debbie Guzzi Poet Haiku

Haiku 26

the melting snow sits
on the remnants of green lawn --
the smell of smoke 

Andrea D. Suggested the following changes

the snow melts
on the remnant of green lawn --
the smell of smoke

Chris A. Suggests some of the articles be removed

snow melts
on remnants of green lawn --
the smell of smoke

Rueben O. has made a valid comment too regarding the word remnant.
Jack Kerouac once said that haiku should be as simple as porridge and 
the word remnant is NOT..it is a word best used in free verse.

As to whether it's Spring or early Winter I think the smell of smoke
shows nicely that folks have lit their fireplaces BUT I'm open to suggestion.

the snow melts
above patches of green grass --
chimney smoke

 Rueben now we have come  to the end of my desire to tinker ;)
Line 3 as it stands was MY Ahaa moment seeing how the cold and the heat
both occur in beauty simultaneously BUT my AhhhHA! may be your [so what]
that's fine..and it is GOOD to point out the fragmented line is tthe hardest to excell
in.it is the line where without [telling] by [showing] the poet tries to
communicate how they felt in awe....

*This is how folks work on a haiku :)

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Harry Horsman November 29, 2012 at 6:24 AM snow returns - the colour to grass... chimneys exhale Debbie Guzzi November 29, 2012 at 7:22 AM no Harry..totally your opinion of how to look at the scene, the snow didn't bring back the grass [it was always under the snow] the chimney doesn't breath [people do] KEEP working ;)

Debbie Guzzi November 29, 2012 at 5:29 AM Why thank you Chris and we have all dwelt in the beauty of the experience not only of that 1 moment..but of each moment of sharing! You do not get progress OR results without be confident, secure and open enough to let others IN...

Charles Henderson November 28, 2012 at 4:39 PM The only difference I have from Deb is I did not smell the smoke, I saw it drifting from the chimney. Either way it definitely works.

Charles Henderson November 28, 2012 at 4:33 PM The poem is perfect the way it is. the snow melts// above patches of green grass --// chimney smoke// It is early spring or a very warm winter day. The grass is already sprouting. However, the chill is still dominant in the shade and the cool rooms of the house, so there is a fire in the fireplace. So the juxtaposition is from a cool spring morning to a warm fire in the house. It gives you a good wrap around warm feeling in the third line.

Andrea Dietrich November 28, 2012 at 2:55 PM awesome, Debs, and I like the final product!!!

Peter Dome November 28, 2012 at 3:30 AM A clever and visual write. well done. warm best wishes. Pete.

Andrea Dietrich November 27, 2012 at 4:54 PM Debs I like this sensory haiku. One little thing, if the snow is melting, for me it would sound more logical to say, the snow melts/on the remnants of green lawn. Or if it's already melted, the melted snow sits on ..... Does that make sense? Was this inspired by your own lawn?