Feeling of death
Mind is full head is racing, why can’t I just stop the pacing… 3 simple words as in “I am done” not worrying about the future I still have to overcome.
The future isn’t for me , just not in my interest.
Where as my family won’t listen and still protest.
“ if you go so do I” “think of the children they need you in their lives”.
Thing is I just don’t care… because in the reality of it all I wouldn’t be there.
I wouldn’t be there to see their hearts breaking with grief.
All I’d be aware of is the instant relief.
No more stress or feeling like dying….
No more worries, fears or bad timings.
Finally free from the demons at bay…
Finally no dwelling at the end of my days.
The days seem so long right now, I long for the nights… where the kids are in bed and not a person in sight.
I feel alone when surrounded by family and friends.
Smiling whilst thinking about how it should end.
Embracing the opportunity to have some control…
My dearest condolences sent to my soul.
What goes on in the mind of this person …
Anger , love , irritation and confusion.
What music should be played, and who would show up?
Probably loads of people that I’ve known growing up but is that enough ?
Breaking my mums heart is that enough ?
No it isn’t I know she is tough, tough enough to lose my dad and still go on every day … I know that in time she will get over it just the same way.
Steven to lose a lover will that stop you?
No I say to myself that just won’t do.
He will love again , maybe someone better than I … but I know it will break him if I did die.
The children to lose a mum surely that will keep you alive…. But how can I love some tiny innocent people when my heart already died.
And for the people I haven’t mentioned it’s not that they dont matter to me…. It’s hard to see the light when darkness has surrounded you without any sympathy.
Nothing is enough anymore to keep me going on… and for anyone to think any differently they will surely be wrong.
Copyright © Cat Jones | Year Posted 2024
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