Every December

Every December she remembers. And every December he relives the memory of the greatest loss of his childhood. The loss that has impacted the rest of his life and forever altered the season of Christmas. And as she remembers, she wonders. She wonders if that young, carefree boy ever truly found healing in his brokenness. If anyone ever asked how he was. If he found comfort during that devastating time. Or if he ever felt overlooked, being the youngest of three in the family. She wonders as the years went on, how he managed to handle his grief as a teen and young adult. How it must have affected him as he moved forward, navigating through life as best as he could without her earthly presence. She wonders if he ever felt that no one understood, or that no one ever would. She also wonders if the longing for maternal love caused him to be hesitant with the love he offered to others, perhaps in an effort to preserve the love he received from her. Or on the flipside, she wonders if he ever handed out his love too freely to others, hoping that someone would fill that tremendous void in return. That December, she clearly recalls how it was the first time someone close to her had lost a parent. And every December since, she feels contrite that her naive, twelve-year-old mind with limited life experience, didn't know any better. That she didn't have the words back then to tell him that she was so very sorry for his loss. That she wished she'd tried harder to comfort him. She wished she'd held him tight and told him she was there for him, and done anything she could've to try and ease the pain he felt. And she wonders if anything would have been different for him if she had expressed then, what she felt now. She sympathizes in that the season of Christmas may always be difficult for him. But she also believes in her heart that though his childhood heartbreak broke him, it has also built him.  And that each and every crushing loss that followed, has carefully and gently moulded him into a stronger, loving, and compassionate man. A man that in her heart, she wishes she could comfort now. A man she wishes she could hold tight and tell him she was there and that she would never leave his side. But instead, she sends her condolences with love, from a distance. Hoping perhaps, in some small way, this year may be a little easier for him to bear, knowing that his pain was safe with her. That someone cares. And that someone remembers. December 21, 2020