Home » Poems » Afolabi Muideen » Eve Moon

Eve Moon

Eve moon as twilight
Glow as sun a fame of Cloud
Passing by makes the

Orb seems to move till
It inch by inch vanished
Within cloudy sky 



This is my first time to give haiku a try please criticize I want to learn it heart.

Post Comments

Poetrysoup is an environment of encouragement and growth so only provide specific positive comments that indicate what you appreciate about the poem. Negative comments will result your account being banned.

Please Login to post a comment

Red Barchettadrive

Date: 10/29/2015 5:57:00 PM

Hiya A.M.! They say that haiku don't get a title, and no capital letters either. Don't take this AS criticism, only constructive assistance. Great haiku for your first try. Senyru is haiku in form only not about nature in nature. More of life in general topics. Thanks for your comment as well!

Funom Makama

Date: 10/13/2015 7:52:00 AM

longest time friend. You've just exhibited to the highest quality exactly what I have missed in here for months. Your lines are so exciting and your words are each having that second hand of drawing me back to them again and again and again irrespective of how many times I have gone through them. Its nice to be home and you are part of the reason I have this refreshing feeling. A definite 7. Cheers!

Justin Bordner

Date: 9/15/2015 10:11:00 PM

This is a visual delight! Your poem lifts me into an atmosphere ancient, mysterious, and metaphysical. These mighty orbs like to hide themselves from time to time. Your work, as always is very intellectually stimulating Afolabi...J.A.B. A FAV!

Sara Kendrick

Date: 9/12/2015 7:59:00 AM

Enjoyed reading your work..There are two kinds of Haiku..One is traditional and the other modern so that determines the content..You can read about them on the internet..Thanks for stopping by my work "Reaching Out"..I have added some to the work if you care to read more..Sara

Skat A

Date: 9/11/2015 8:38:00 AM

This is what haiku is all about. Enjoyed. Skat

Kelly Deschler

Date: 9/10/2015 2:07:00 PM

I haven't written many haiku myself, so I couldn't give you much advice on them. But, the ending line of the first should end there and not continue into the next haiku... A good try at this tough form, Afolabi. The imagery is very nice!

Paul Callus

Date: 9/10/2015 10:35:00 AM

Hi Afolabi. The imagery is lovely, but it is not haiku. I agree with what Andrea said. Haiku is not easy to write; I myself am still trying to get to grips with it. The idea is to keep on reading and trying! All the best! // paul

Olive Eloisa Guillermo - Fraser

Date: 9/10/2015 1:46:00 AM

Afolabi nice try and nice imagery however I see some syllables that aren't in the rules for haiku... I too struggle in this form.. =') but try and try until we succeed anyhow.. ~Olive Eloisa

Andrea Dietrich

Date: 9/10/2015 12:16:00 AM

I would agree with what Peter said. you can't carry one line from the first one down into the next one. Every line needs to be a phrase, usually separated from the previous one. I enjoyed your imagery. You should just google modern Haiku and read a bunch of them. that will really give you a good idea how to do them (most of us at Soup are not writing them correctly all the time).

Jan Allison

Date: 9/9/2015 5:58:00 PM

I agree with Scott the final line of the first haiku needs to be worked on - maybe ask Andrea Dietrich to advise you - great first attempt I struggle with this form:-) hugs jan xx

Bl Devnath

Date: 9/9/2015 1:42:00 PM

A great imagery with a nice haiku. Loved always my lovely friend,bl

Scott Thirtyseven

Date: 9/9/2015 7:29:00 AM

I love the images you have here. But your first haiku is incomplete, maybe you could have said, "the passing clouds"? Don't be too ridged on the 5/7/5 syllable count, as that is only an English language adaption of the traditional Japanese structure. But do keep the lines short/long/short. Great start for haiku, keep them up.

Darlene Gifford

Date: 9/9/2015 6:58:00 AM

I saw your Eve Moon through your eyes, Afolabi, a beautiful image vanishing in the clouds. Beauty is transit and fleeting so we are fortunate to catch glimpses of it in God's glorious world of wonders. And thank you for visiting my poem. ~~Darlene

Afolabi Muideen
Date: 9/11/2015 3:51:00 PM