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Black and White With Red All Over

Who am I?
I’m sure this is a question we all ask ourselves from time to time.
What’s my purpose what reasons do I have to carry on and what is good in my life.
I find myself asking these questions everyday.
I feel lost, I feel as though my life has somehow detoured.
Like a train who’s tracks were suddenly switched,
Careening down a path that I do not know.
I feel like some outsider to my own life.
As If I am watching myself and my actions from somewhere above.
I try to understand morality, conviction, loyalty.
But somehow, I just can’t grasp it.
I can’t understand these ideas and concepts.
I realize the things I do are considered wrong and odd.
But by whom? Who are these people that condemn me?
Who are these people that set up these boundaries and restrictions?
Society? History?
I don’t understand them. I know what I feel and what I feel like doing.
It doesn’t always make since but how else are we suppose to live.
Are we not suppose to act on our baser instincts in order to truly experience life?
Whether it be for better or not.
I would like to be able to conform, and to live a simple non complex life as others.
Free of the constant wrenching of right and wrong.
But that’s not me.
I’ve done horrible things, unloyal, unforgivable, unimaginable things.
But haven’t we all?
I would like to think that many are like me but I begin to believe they simply are not.
I want the world around me to understand me to adjust to me.
It will never happen.
Shunned and ashamed I fear I will cower away into nothingness.
What purpose is their then?
What meaning to an existence so depreciated?
I don’t have any answers,
But I will go on.
I will wake up everyday to this black and white world.
If only one day to see it as hazy and discolored as I see myself everyday.

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