Biting This Bullet

Two more hours as I anticipate,
a meeting with my doctor that's going to take place,
I'm not happy with what's going to be a certainty,
been trying to find ways out of it, I don't want to lose me.

So worried about the labels, how people will perceive me,
people I know,  but mostly family,
they all look to my for guidance, I am there light that shine bright,
to help them in the dark times, to pull them into the light.

So long I've been trying to suppress whats inside,
but it's having more and more control of me as days go by,
and when it has me, I don't like that person I become,
no more happy times or smiles, Zero fun.

The battle I fought, made me so proud,
a symbol to myself,  that nothing could keep me down,
so arrogant in my plight I just didn't see,
maybe it was the devil that was setting me free.

I hate the fact, I'm going to be on medication again,
trying to talk myself out of it before it begins,
but again and again logic interferes,
this is taking a while to sink in.

Only last week did I actually realize,
how long I have had anxiety in my life,
hardly ever in control, always lashing out,
years I've struggled to see, what's my anger really about.

A slave to rage and continually losing control,
I owe this to my children to change from old, 
I love my babies with all my heart,
I want to give them a good life, free from my past.

In the end it has always boiled down to them,
the need to change, my only motivation,
so biting this bullet is really hard to swallow,
but hopefully it's a start to a better tomorrow.


So with dread, I don't really want to open my eyes,
today me and the devil will reunite...........


M.Mahauariki © 2012

Copyright © Murray Mahauariki | Year Posted 2012

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