After the High

these fingers want to click
out the words that accurately emphasize
the magnitude of the sudden
suffering i feel
a deep melancholy
that sprang at me
out of the dark 
beyond my velveteen bed
but these fingers can't seem
to do this feeling justice
i feel heavy
laden down with the weight of too many
bad nights
and the terror previously felt
never quite fades
its light never completely goes out
as it burns this hole in my pocket
these memories are painful
as if that flame had touched my fingertip
and the reflex to pull away is strong
matched though by the urge to hold still
and see what fire can do
i want to shut eyes in sleep
but cannot seem to resign myself
to leaving this particular emptiness
for another just yet
for emptiness is what this
feels like
a gaping hole it seems i’ve been able
to avoid 
where no one seems to fit
and no one cares too hard to try
i’ve rebuilt and rebuilt myself
every time another wing of the house falls
but it always seems as if
by the time i’ve driven the last nail in
another wall has collapsed
taking a piece of my mind 
with it
so there are always gaping holes 
in my consciousness
places where something i’ve lost
or not yet found
is supposed to be
and i can’t seem to find anything else
that will do
at least for a little while
only sometimes does this feeling surface
leading me to think
to hope that this is only another
figment of my imagination
it is so real
it feels so settled
deep in my chest
worming its way through my head
soon it could take over my entire being
making me one big hole
a vast shell of nothing
unless i don’t let it
but how to stop nothing
how am i supposed to throw
out of my head
something that doesn’t exist
has no tangible evidence that it is here
and can only be identified by listening closely
to the gravity and leaden quality
of the sweet lilting voice
that flows from these bitten lips
i will fall tonight
into a sleep as if into an abyss
hoping that when i land in wakefulness
this will be gone again
the hole will go back into hiding
and i'll be able to enjoy
any measure of pensivity
to my secretly broken heart's content

Copyright © Allison Kinzy | Year Posted 2007

Please Login to post a comment