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A Tornado of Geese Fall

A tornado of geese fall
To a winter graze
Up shoots the tiny green grass

naturehaiku

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Jim David

November 23, 2012 at 5:18 PM

I live in oregon where we have a MONSTEROUS Canadian geese population.The logistics of ten thousand geese landing is amazing.They look like mini vortices but NEVER touch one another.Simply baffling..I felt compelled to use tornado, as it was the only word that did the job. Also, the last line was the cut.... Geese fall, grass up... Juxtaposition, yes? I think so! Please excuse an ignoramus-hack.... I merely dabble!

Debbie Guzzi

November 23, 2012 at 4:41 PM

Ok here's what I see [a flock of geese landing eating grass] If you label it a tornado of geese you are putting your concept of what it looked liked in the readers mind..don't do that in haiku..be [as plain as oatmeal] SHOW what you SEE [don't tell] you did join lines 1 and 2 which is good but line 3 simply re-elaborates the first 2 lines don't repeat

Debbie Guzzi

November 23, 2012 at 4:44 PM

[a flock of geese land / on a freshly sprouted field -- a shotgun rings out]use lien 3 to add more sensory input