The Beasts Confession
To the Priest, on Observing how most Men mistake their own Talents
When beasts could speak (the learned say,
They still can do so ev'ry day),
It seems, they had religion then,
As much as now we find in men.
It happen'd, when a plague broke out
(Which therefore made them more devout),
The king of brutes (to make it plain,
Of quadrupeds I only mean)
By proclamation gave command,
That ev'ry subject in the land
Should to the priest confess their sins;
And thus the pious wolf begins:
"Good father, I must own with shame,
That often I have been to blame:
I must confess, on Friday last,
Wretch that I was! I broke my fast:
But I defy the basest tongue
To prove I did my neighbour wrong;
Or ever went to seek my food
By rapine, theft, or thirst of blood."
The ass, approaching next, confess'd
That in his heart he lov'd a jest:
A wag he was, he needs must own,
And could not let a dunce alone:
Sometimes his friend he would not spare,
And might perhaps be too severe:
But yet, the worst that could be said,
He was a wit both born and bred;
And, if it be a sin or shame,
Nature alone must bear the blame:
One fault he hath, is sorry for't,
His ears are half a foot too short;
Which could he to the standard bring,
He'd show his face before the King:
Then for his voice, there's none disputes
That he's the nightingale of brutes.
The swine with contrite heart allow'd,
His shape and beauty made him proud:
In diet was perhaps too nice,
But gluttony was ne'er his vice:
In ev'ry turn of life content,
And meekly took what fortune sent:
Inquire through all the parish round,
A better neighbour ne'er was found:
His vigilance might some displease;
'Tis true he hated sloth like peas.
The mimic ape began his chatter,
How evil tongues his life bespatter:
Much of the cens'ring world complain'd,
Who said, his gravity was feign'd:
Indeed, the strictness of his morals
Engag'd him in a hundred quarrels:
He saw, and he was griev'd to see't,
His zeal was sometimes indiscreet:
He found his virtues too severe
For our corrupted times to bear:
Yet, such a lewd licentious age
Might well excuse a Stoic's rage.
The goat advanc'd with decent pace;
And first excus'd his youthful face;
Forgiveness begg'd that he appear'd
('Twas nature's fault) without a beard.
'Tis true, he was not much inclin'd
To fondness for the female kind;
Not, as his enemies object,
From chance, or natural defect;
Not by his frigid constitution,
But through a pious resolution;
For he had made a holy vow
Of chastity as monks do now;
Which he resolv'd to keep for ever hence,
As strictly too, as doth his Reverence.
Apply the tale, and you shall find,
How just it suits with human kind.
Some faults we own: but, can you guess?
Why?--virtues carried to excess,
Wherewith our vanity endows us,
Though neither foe nor friend allows us.
The lawyer swears, you may rely on't,
He never squeez'd a needy client;
And this he makes his constant rule,
For which his brethren call him fool:
His conscience always was so nice,
He freely gave the poor advice;
By which he lost, he may affirm,
A hundred fees last Easter term.
While others of the learned robe
Would break the patience of a Job;
No pleader at the bar could match
His diligence and quick dispatch;
Ne'er kept a cause, he well may boast,
Above a term or two at most.
The cringing knave, who seeks a place
Without success, thus tells his case:
Why should he longer mince the matter?
He fail'd because he could not flatter;
He had not learn'd to turn his coat,
Nor for a party give his vote:
His crime he quickly understood;
Too zealous for the nation's good:
He found the ministers resent it,
Yet could not for his heart repent it.
The chaplain vows he cannot fawn,
Though it would raise him to the lawn:
He pass'd his hours among his books;
You find it in his meagre looks:
He might, if he were worldly wise,
Preferment get and spare his eyes:
But own'd he had a stubborn spirit,
That made him trust alone in merit:
Would rise by merit to promotion;
Alas! a mere chimeric notion.
The doctor, if you will believe him,
Confess'd a sin; and God forgive him!
Call'd up at midnight, ran to save
A blind old beggar from the grave:
But see how Satan spreads his snares;
He quite forgot to say his prayers.
He cannot help it for his heart
Sometimes to act the parson's part:
Quotes from the Bible many a sentence,
That moves his patients to repentance:
And, when his med'cines do no good,
Supports their minds with heav'nly food,
At which, however well intended,
He hears the clergy are offended;
And grown so bold behind his back,
To call him hypocrite and quack.
In his own church he keeps a seat;
Says grace before and after meat;
And calls, without affecting airs,
His household twice a day to prayers.
He shuns apothecaries' shops;
And hates to cram the sick with slops:
He scorns to make his art a trade;
Nor bribes my lady's fav'rite maid.
Old nurse-keepers would never hire
To recommend him to the squire;
Which others, whom he will not name,
Have often practis'd to their shame.
The statesman tells you with a sneer,
His fault is to be too sincere;
And, having no sinister ends,
Is apt to disoblige his friends.
The nation's good, his master's glory,
Without regard to Whig or Tory,
Were all the schemes he had in view;
Yet he was seconded by few:
Though some had spread a hundred lies,
'Twas he defeated the Excise.
'Twas known, though he had borne aspersion,
That standing troops were his aversion:
His practice was, in ev'ry station,
To serve the King, and please the nation.
Though hard to find in ev'ry case
The fittest man to fill a place:
His promises he ne'er forgot,
But took memorials on the spot:
His enemies, for want of charity,
Said he affected popularity:
'Tis true, the people understood,
That all he did was for their good;
Their kind affections he has tried;
No love is lost on either side.
He came to Court with fortune clear,
Which now he runs out ev'ry year:
Must, at the rate that he goes on,
Inevitably be undone:
Oh! if his Majesty would please
To give him but a writ of ease,
Would grant him licence to retire,
As it hath long been his desire,
By fair accounts it would be found,
He's poorer by ten thousand pound.
He owns, and hopes it is no sin,
He ne'er was partial to his kin;
He thought it base for men in stations
To crowd the Court with their relations;
His country was his dearest mother,
And ev'ry virtuous man his brother;
Through modesty or awkward shame
(For which he owns himself to blame),
He found the wisest man he could,
Without respect to friends or blood;
Nor ever acts on private views,
When he hath liberty to choose.
The sharper swore he hated play,
Except to pass an hour away:
And well he might; for, to his cost,
By want of skill he always lost;
He heard there was a club of cheats,
Who had contriv'd a thousand feats;
Could change the stock, or cog a die,
And thus deceive the sharpest eye:
Nor wonder how his fortune sunk,
His brothers fleece him when he's drunk.
I own the moral not exact;
Besides, the tale is false in fact;
And so absurd, that could I raise up
From fields Elysian fabling Aesop;
I would accuse him to his face
For libelling the four-foot race.
Creatures of ev'ry kind but ours
Well comprehend their natural pow'rs;
While we, whom reason ought to sway,
Mistake our talents ev'ry day.
The ass was never known so stupid
To act the part of Tray or Cupid;
Nor leaps upon his master's lap,
There to be strok'd, and fed with pap,
As Aesop would the world persuade;
He better understands his trade:
Nor comes, whene'er his lady whistles;
But carries loads, and feeds on thistles.
Our author's meaning, I presume, is
A creature bipes et implumis;
Wherein the moralist design'd
A compliment on human kind:
For here he owns, that now and then
Beasts may degenerate into men.
Literary Analysis
This literary analysis was generated with AI and may contain interpretive differences. Provide your analysis in the comments section.
Summary
Jonathan Swift frames the poem as a mock confession in which a parade of animals admit their supposed failings to a priest during a plague. Each creature tries to excuse its behavior as either a harmless flaw or even a virtue taken too far, and the joke grows clearer with every example: the wolf claims innocence because he has not literally become a murderer, the ass presents vanity as wit, the swine turns complacency into civic respectability, and the goat disguises desire through piety. The structure keeps widening from animal satire into a social roundup of human professions, suggesting that people are just as skilled at dressing up selfishness, ambition, and vanity in respectable language.
The poem's final movement sharpens the point. After pretending to censure the beasts, Swift turns the satire back on humanity and insists that the real target is us: people are the ones who routinely misread their own powers and convert weakness into self-praise. The ending is especially biting because it claims that beasts understand their nature better than human beings do. That reversal creates the poem's central tension: the confessions sound comic, but they expose a serious moral blindness, as if society were made of people who are always ready to explain away their worst habits as admirable strengths.
Theme
- Self-deception - The animals repeatedly reinterpret obvious faults as harmless quirks or even virtues, mirroring the human habit of excusing private vice with polished language.
- Satire of human professions - Lawyers, courtiers, clergymen, doctors, and politicians are all exposed through animal analogies that mock the way each profession justifies its own behavior.
- Virtue pushed into vanity - Several confessions hinge on the idea that a genuine good quality becomes suspicious when exaggerated, showing how easily moral self-image turns into self-flattery.
- Hypocrisy and public image - Many of the creatures care less about repentance than about reputation, which reflects a world where appearances matter more than truth.
- Human pride - The closing argument suggests that human beings believe themselves rational and superior, yet are often less clear-sighted than the beasts they judge.
- Social and political corruption - Swift treats patronage, office-seeking, and party interest as forms of moral distortion that pass for normal public life.
Literary Devices
- Allegory - The animals stand in for recognizable human types, allowing Swift to critique society without naming individuals directly.
- Irony - Each confession is framed as self-accusation, but the supposed sins often expose the opposite problem: a proud refusal to admit real wrongdoing.
- Mock-epic style - The elevated, formal manner gives trivial or absurd admissions a grand seriousness, heightening the satire.
- Heroic couplets - The tight rhyming pairs create momentum and verbal neatness, which suits the poem's sharp, argumentative movement.
- Parody of confession - The religious setting is used comically, since the animals treat confession as a performance of self-justification rather than repentance.
- Cataloguing - The sequence of animal and human examples builds a cumulative satiric effect, making the criticism broader and harder to dismiss.
- Understatement - Serious moral failures are presented as modest imperfections, which makes the self-excusing voices sound even more ridiculous.
Symbolism
- The plague - The outbreak suggests a crisis that should inspire moral reflection, but it also becomes a backdrop for exposed human vanity and fear.
- The priest - The confessor represents religious authority, yet the poem uses him mainly as a listener to absurd rationalizations.
- The wolf - A traditional figure of predation, here used to mock anyone who insists on innocence while still acting by appetite.
- The ass - The ass symbolizes stubborn self-regard and comic self-importance disguised as wit.
- The swine - The pig becomes a symbol of comfort, appetite, and smug self-satisfaction that can be repackaged as moderation.
- The ape - The ape suggests imitation, affectation, and the performance of virtue without true inward discipline.
- The goat - The goat, associated with lust, is turned into a comic emblem of piety that hides nature rather than transforms it.
Tone
Swift's tone is brisk, sly, and mercilessly amused, with a confidence that never lets the poem drift into mere play. He sounds like someone enjoying the precision of his own satire while carefully tightening the trap around the reader's assumptions. The mood, however, is less carefree than comic: beneath the wit lies a chilly sense that self-justification is almost universal, and that human beings are much easier to ridicule than to redeem.
Historical Context
Swift wrote in a world shaped by the politics, patronage, and religious controversies of early eighteenth-century Britain and Ireland. His satire often targets the public language of moral seriousness, especially when it is used to disguise self-interest in court, church, and professional life. The poem's mock-confessional form also fits a period when verse satire frequently borrowed religious and classical conventions to expose social hypocrisy.
The couplet form and the animal fable tradition place the poem in a long satiric lineage reaching back to classical writers and Aesop. Swift adapts that tradition to his own age by turning animal fables into a mirror for human conduct, especially the habit of calling vice by another name. The result is a distinctly Augustan kind of satire: polished, compressed, and unsparing about the gap between public virtue and private motive.
Similar Poems
- The Rape of the Lock - Alexander Pope
- An Essay on Man - Alexander Pope
- The Hind and the Panther - John Dryden
- A Satire Against Reason and Mankind - John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester