I have finally lost it. Four nights ago I should have found that box cutter I was looking for.* I should have but I did not, clearly because of my "responsibilities". Seems like every day I understand more and more why the Doc gave up everything. She fell in love with danger and that was all she had going for her. Every night I wonder if I made the right choice and even under my indicisiveness I find a solid excuse to keep on with my reality of this life time.
I do what is expected to be normal. Deep inside I crave the excitement. When I do try to voice the crazy within, I am met with nothing but rhetorical facts that are suppose to make sense to me. It does not make sense to me because I think differently. I am different. I tried playing this game where things are suppose to be normal and they arent. So here I am trying to make sense of it because my inner crazy is loosing her mind with all the straight edge b.s of the everyday life.
Things seem bleak and even laughing through the darkness I manage to want to loose myself some more. But, I have things I need to handle first. Like making sure my kids grow up and make it to the age of 18. After that if I have not completely snapped I will probably end it.
Or become a villain which ever comes first.
For now I try to blend in. Live day by day, and be well "spiritual" in my own hell of a choatic mind.
A new day to be normal right?
*I removed some graphic wording from orginal story I wrote.
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