Take My Utilities, Please!

I fall for this every time. I move into a new place and they automatically send me a big, giant card in the mail saying I can get a high tech bundle “move in special” for $49.99. It shows a picture of a beautiful, seemingly intelligent woman talking on the phone. She obviously got the platinum unlimited package of internet, cable and voice. Hmm. I’m looking for the hidden fees amongst the photo of the boy sitting on the couch with his dog watching unlimited cable, and the girl lying on the bed talking nonstop on her very own Intellectavoice phone.

Oh, here it is. Lemme go get the 40X telescope lens from the other room. Aha! It says in writing obscure to the naked eye…$49.99 ^{_{for the first three months, then regular charges apply}}. What are the regular charges? I’m asking myself. I glanced over one of my older bills to see just how a $49.99 bill can jump to $111.00 in just four months:

In addition to an equipment fee of $7.00 which, they have you there ‘cause ‘no equipment, no service’, they of course have to charge for connecting it. That is a recurring fee that never ends until you DIE. That charge is $1.52 monthly, even though they have only had to connect me one time. The next charge, also a recurring fee, is called the “Regulatory Recovery Fee”. This is a fancy schmancy name for ‘we know you’re not sure what this is and we don’t need the government’s permission to get it from you.’ Next are the fees that must be collected for existing anywhere within a geographical boundary of high technology. These are broken down as follows: State fee, County fee, City fee, District fee and municipal charges.

Hey, I’m not a city planner but doesn’t a municipality, district, city and county ALL fall within the state? What are they tryin’ to pull here? I thought maybe I should say adios to all this cable B.S. and invest in a satellite dish. I guess ya gotta be careful there though. They will charge you whether you can use the dish or not and if there happens to be a giant tree in your signal line, too bad. You have to pay the trip charge and installation fee anyway AND if you signed up for a two year commitment, you must pay that off in order to get out of your contract.

I think the new word of the day is online video streaming and I still have to have electricity to watch that. Electric bills? Oh don’t even get me started!

*From the book "Your Face Will Freeze Like That" and other stuff mom told us-by Mari' Emeraude available on Amazon

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