Not feeling well (just thoughts)
I've never felt this alone in my life, I don't remember, maybe I did, of course I did. But how I just mentioned, how would I know? I feel awful, I feel helpless, I feel like I'm gonna die, I feel like I want to peel the skin off my bones. I don't fear anything, I don't feel too much, I feel alone, like I don't got any friends, like I don't got anyone next to me. I know that my mother should have died, that she shouldn't be alive, that she shouldn't have to go through all of this, and I shouldn't either. We should just all have died that night, back in 2021. I don't get why my best friend has to act like she got problems, she doesn't. You're not suicidal, you're just acting like you are. I'm invited to another funeral, a funeral of a friend of mine who died. She's buried in a graveyard, where two other friends of mine are buried. Why would I want to live when all of the people around me are dying? My father abused me sexually and mentally. My little brother, it's his birthday tomorrow, and I won't see him, why? Because I can't. I'm alone, all alone, no one, really, no one cares, no one notices it. My best friend, everyone sees you, you are not invisible. I am, why would I even continue? I mean, why should I? What would it do? I could live on, go on with my life, but why the hell would I want to? There's no reason for me to live. Just for every day to be the same? Why? Why would you? Why should anyone? Why would you even try? I mean, I saw people die. I was standing in a dark room, getting out of the door into the hallway just to see a friend of mine bleeding down while people stood around her, looking at her, not doing anything, just shoving me back into my room. I saw people hang. I hung. I hung myself. That's why I got a scar on my lip. I don't want to live, but I don't want to die. I just want to be. I hate humans so freaking bad. Why do they have to exist? I don't like them. None of them. I do love my little brother, and my mother, and my best friend, and everyone, and still I hate them, and I don't know. There are so many feelings in my head that it's going to break, I think. They don't see me at all, they are not trying to help me and I dont mean anything to them even if I am gone they do not care none of them because their in their own little bubble. Everyone sees her because she is able to express her feelings. I'm not, no one sees me because I don't let them see. And why won't I let them see? Because it's none of their business. I'm broken, I'm nearly dead, I'm dying every day. I'm thinking about self-harming and more medicine and everything else, and I just feel like the world is breaking down on me. Like giant bricks and stones on my back, falling down, crashing my ribs, my lung. I can't breathe, I can't feel, I can't do anything, I'm completely helpless. I don't want to be the little helpless girl I was. I want to be strong, I want to be a fighter, I want to be pretty and smart and everything. But I can't.Music numbs the pain, but it won't go away, and the worst thing is, I'm feeling so much better than I was feeling a year ago, or two years, I have been in a mental hospital for a year, nearly a year, ten months, but still, I was in three different hospitals, I took medicine, had therapy, and everything else, and still I'm not being well. I can't do well. You know, in the summer break, we were on holiday, everything was perfect, it seemed so perfect, and I noticed that it can't be. Something's gonna change. All will break down, because it has to. Life can't be perfect. I felt so good. I had my boyfriend, I had my best friend, I had my family, even if I hadn't had it, I mean, I hadn't had my family, but it felt like I had one, even though I hadn't had one, because I don't got one. I do have an aunt, and I do have siblings, and I do have somehow at least a mother, but it's not like that's family, it's just blood of mine in a body of flesh. It doesn't mean that they are my family, and they are somehow, but it's not family, it's just people I love, and I've got a whole bunch of them. Some of them are laying underground, but that's fine, I mean, I can't change it. The worst thing is, I don't want people to know that I'm not feeling well, because what are they supposed to do? No one can help me, it's just I'm not feeling well right now. And if I don't, then I don't, and it's fine. I should just continue like I always do when I got a bad episode, and it will get better. I knew that, I knew when it started. I remember the day when we were outside, me and my now ex-boyfriend, I was sitting in the grass and trying to cuddle his rabbits, while he was sitting on the house of the rabbits and smiling at me. He asked me, what is that on your lip? I said, it's inpetigo. That's nearly like herpes, but it's from stress and somatization disorder. So, he accepted it, and asked how it comes that it is there. And I told him that it's because of depression and stress, and that it can mean nearly everything. When I was stressed, when a new depressive phase is coming, then it will be there. And it was there. And I told him it's fine, but I didn't feel fine, I didn't feel well. And I just act like I'm good, and everyone believes me. And then there are people like, I don't feel well. Guys, look at your friends while they die. Have you ever seen a dead body before? I don't think so. Have you ever seen life leaving the eyes of a friend? No. And I did, many times. Not that many. I saw someone die right in front of me two times before. But still, did you? No, you didn't. It's such a big difference. And I hate humans for thinking that they are worth something. Because no one is. It's just you. Your story doesn't make you. Your story has no worth. Maybe what you do has. I've got good grades. I am working. I'm functioning. But I'm not living, and I hate it. I always wanted to function, and now I am, and it's just boring, and loveless, lifeless. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel better than when I started writing this text, but I don't feel well. And I feel all alone. Because there's no one, really no one I could talk to. They make it about themselves, or they really got problems. They would just get even sicker while trying to heal me, even though they should heal themselves first. That's the last word I say today, I think. So goodnight, guys. Thanks for listening.
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