Heaven or Hell
“Holy shit, what the hell just happened?” The young man opens his eyes and starts patting his face. “I don’t feel any pain.” He sits up and looks down at his body, “No blood. Where am I?”
A voice comes from behind, “Bob, Bob …… can you hear me?
The young man slowly turns around and sees an older man dressed in white.
The older man repeats, a little slower, “Can you hear me?”
“Yea, I can hear you!” he says, now slightly irritated. “I’m a little woozy.”
“Sometimes after the transition, it takes bit to get your senses back, especially the hearing”
Staring at the man in white, he asks, “Transition? What transition? And who the hell are you?”
“I’m the Gatekeeper. My name is Peter. But everyone calls me Gates.”
His eyes squinting at Peter, he asks, “Gates, gates? What gates? Why is everything so white, so bright?”
“Relax. The gates are…., never mind, it’s not important. You were in a bad accident.”
“Couldn’t have been that bad. Don’t see a scratch on me. I actually feel better than I have in long time. And I can’t feel any pain in my arthritic knee. It feels great! Where’s Jenny? Is she ok?”
“The feeling good or euphoric feeling is to be expected. And Jenny is all right. She is still at the scene.”
“The scene? What do mean she’s still at the scene? Is she hurt? Where am I, Gates?” Looking around he asks “Is this a hospital?”
“She’s not hurt. A little banged up maybe, but she’ll be fine.” Peter puts a hand on the young mans shoulder, “And no it’s not a hospital, Bob. It’s a little more complicated than that. Um, how should I put this? You’re dead”
“Dead, dead? What do you mean I’m dead? Where the hell am I?”
“Maybe your hearing isn’t right yet. Yes, dead. And that’s where our people at the gate thought you should go. Hell.”
Now the young man is starting to get mad. Raising his voice, “There you go again with the gate crap. What gates? CUT THE BULL, GATES. GOD DAMMIT, WHERE THE HELL AM I? I INSIST YOU….”
Just then Peter waves his hand and the young man stops talking. His eyes get wide as he puts his hands to his throat.
“I told you Bob, you’re dead and I insist you stop talking like that. We have a zero tolerance policy on foul mouths here.” Peter waves his hand again.
The young man slowly speaks “Whoa, what the f…”, stops himself, and continues, “I mean, how did you do that?”
Peter continues, “I just, …. never mind, it’s not important. It’ll take a some convincing to keep you and not pass you straight on to there” Looking at his clipboard, “It says here you’re sharp, smart and you’ve got organizing skills. And you’re good under pressure and have a calm demeanor. The calm demeanor must be a typo. Also it says, you’re good with people in a crisis situation. Let’s put that last one to use now.”
“Here? There? Where is here and where the hell is there.”
“Yup on there and here is H.P.”
With a quizzical look, head tilted slightly he asks “Hewlett Packard?”
Peter grins. “That’s good. You’re funny. We could use a little humor now and then. No, HP is Heaven Processing. I’m here to get the process started, make sure you understand what’s going on, explain how things work and go on from there. You’re sort of knocking on heavens door, Bob. There’s a few loose ends that need tying up.”
“Sonofabitch, Gates….”
Peter starts to wave his hand again and the young man says “Wait, wait. Ok, Ok I’m sorry, won’t happen again. But really Heaven processing, loose ends. What is going on??”
“Thats the last time, Bob. This is your pre-judgement day. You’ve already got a strike against you for your occupation, but saying stuff like that is going to get you in more trouble. And you’ll never get an interview.”
Sounding confused, he says “Strike for selling ad space? I know Elon is sorta …wait, what. You mean THE JUDGEMENT Day? The Book of Revelation stuff? Jesus? Sins? Accountability, all that? And interview?”
“We just call it THE Day or the Big Reveal. And yes, you will at some point, have to explain actions or inactions during your life. After I ask you a couple of questions, I’ll pass you to one of the Disciples. He will ask you a few more questions, make sure the Book Of Life is up to date, that sort of thing. If he decides you are worthy, then he will assess your skills to see if we can use you in the organization. We desperately need help and have several positions to be filled. Despite what you may have heard or read, it’s not all black or white, or, eternal peace.”
“You’re talkin’ ONE of THE 12 Disciples?”
“Yes. Well, not exactly. We only use 10. Two aren’t available. That whole Judas Iscariot thing and Thomas is well, you know, still undecided. He’s actually working as one of our Expeditors down there. The Boss thought it would be good for his confidence. He starts the process, sort of initiates things. I’m not sure he’s right for that job, though. One has to have instincts. I DOUBT he’ll ever get it right. You see what i did there, right?”
“I thought Judgement day meant a face to face with Jesus.”
“It does or did. But things have changed. The world is more complicated, has a lot more people. Faith used to be easy, either you had it or you didn’t. Now, there are so many variations to sort through. People in a rush to annihilate each other on a much larger scale. The volume of hate and destruction is unparalleled. We’re not training like we should, there’s just not the time. We are severely backlogged. Your interview will determine if you go there, or stay here or you could be fast tracked, put right through so we can get you to work.
“So one of the 12, I mean 10, will decide if I get into heaven? What if he decides I don’t, then what?”
“For the most part, yes. If the Disciple decides you shouldn’t be here, you won’t need that heavy winter coat you just bought. Of course the Boss can still override any decision and I can always put in a word.”
“This can’t be happening. I have so much to do. My career, I wanted to get married, have kids.”
“You want Kids? That’s rich. Well, according to the schedule, you’re here right on time. You’re a little rough around the edges, but I sense you’ve got a good heart and could be repentant. You appear to be sharp enough. You could be a project. I see no reason you shouldn’t go through to the interview, just watch your language and you might try to humble yourself about what you did for a living. Do you have any questions Bob, that I can answer before I turn you over to the 10?”
“I do have a couple of questions”. Sounding a bit insulted, he asks “What’s so bad about being an account executive for Tesla? And why do you keep calling me Bob? My name is Al. Al Gizmachi.
Looking like he’s seen a ghost, Peters voice raises an octive,
“Wait, …what. Give me a second Bob. Let me look at my list here…….” He Looks down at his clipboard and then back up. He takes a picture from the clip board and hold it next to Al’s face. “Holy shit. You’re not Bob and Al Gizmachi is not supposed to be here for another 63 years. This slot was reserved for Bob Doomaflag, a doctor. It looks like Tom guessed wrong, again. I knew this would happen sooner or later. Everything moving more quickly, no Quality Assurance department anymore. The Boss is going to be really pissed.”
Suddenly there’s a loud rumble, then crack. Al spins around and then looks at Peter. “Whoa!! what was that?”
It’s the Boss. He gets really upset about screw ups.
Al asks Peter “Since we may be working together, think you can show me that hand wave thing?”
…somewhere else …
“Hello there. How do you feel? Any pains anywhere?”
A woman on a gurney opens her eyes. Laying on her back the young lady responds. “Ok I guess. My head hurts a little” Looking up, she sees an older man, dressed in white looking down at her.
“You have a pretty good bump”. The man hands her a bottle of water, “Here, drink this.”
“Thank you. What happened?”
“My name is Thomas, but call me Tom. Just sit here and relax for a bit.” He flashes a light in her eyes. “Look to your right. You were knocked unconscious. You’ve been out for a little while. Ok, look to your left. Do you know your name?”
“Yea. It’s Jenny. Jenny Shwartz. Aren’t you a little old to be a Paramedic?”
“I’m not a paramedic. I’m just here to help. Do you know what happened?”
“I’m not sure. The light went green, I started to go and then at the last second I see this car coming straight at me from the right. I stepped on the gas. I thought I could make it. I guess I was wrong.”
“A witness confirmed the car on your right ran a red light. The police think he was drunk. You were hit on the passenger side, at the intersection. Your car looks to be a total. Your passenger is in a pretty serious condition. He’s on his way to the hospital now.”
“We’re co-workers.”
The witness walks up and asks, Thomas, “Are you in charge here? How is she?”
“No. I’m on sort of on loan. I take my orders directly from the top. And she’ll be alright”
Looking down at Jenny the witness says, “How are feeling? I saw what happened and told the police. The other driver ran a red light. Are you OK?”
“i think so. Al, is he going to be all right?”
“Who’s Al? Is he your husband? boyfriend?
Tom chimes in “Yea, who is Al?”
“Oh God no. Al’s a good guy and all. Great marketing skills, but a little too hyper and rough around the edges for me. And foul mouth? Swears like a sailor all the time.
Tom says, “He’s the guy who left in the ambulance a little while ago”
The witness looks at Tom and Tom shakes his head.
The gentleman says “I was on my way to the hospital. I can check on him. I’m Dr. Bob Doomaflag.”
Thomas hears Bob, puts his hands on his face and says “What the… you’re Dr. Bob Doomaflag?”
Bob looks at Thomas, “Yes I am. Why, do I know you?”
“No, no. Not at all. Looks down at Jenny and says “Well, looks like you’re in good hands and my work is done here” He walks off quickly, mumbling “This is not good. I was so sure I had it right this time”.
Dr. Bob ask Jenny “Is there someone you can call?”
“No, not really. I’m from out of town, just here for a conference. I suppose I could call my ex. I’m not sure there’s anything he could do anyway. He lives a couple of hours away,”
“You said Ex. What happened?”
“He’s a doctor, OB-GYN. We had philosophical differences about a woman’s right to choose. We couldn’t get past them.”
“I’m a OB-GYN at Planned Parenthood, i know it can be difficult with such a divisive topic. After you talk to the police, why don’t you let me give you a ride to the hospital. You can get a cup of coffee, I can look you over and if everything is ok, I can drive you to your hotel room. You should not go to the conference. If you don’t mind, give me your number and when i find out the status of your friend, I’ll call you.”
“Thanks. I’d appreciate that. But you don’t have to do all of that.
“I insist. I want to make sure you don’t have a concussion. After work, I can swing by to check on you and maybe we can get a bite to eat.”
Jenny smiles, “I’d like that”
Suddenly there’s a loud rumble, then crack.
Jenny turns around and looks up. “Whoa. Did you hear that? It sounded like thunder, but there’s not a cloud in sight.”
…somewhere else …
Jerry, a middle aged man, opens his eyes and starts patting his face. “What the hell happened? I don’t feel any pain.” He sits up and looks down at his body, “No blood. Where the hell is my beer?”
A voice comes from behind, “Jerry, Jerry …… can you hear me?
Jerry turns around and sees a man dressed in white.
“Yes, I can hear you!” he says. “Why do you ask and who the f*** are you?”
“Sometimes after the transition, it takes bit to get your senses back, especially the hearing. And you need stop talking like that. We have a zero tolerance policy on foul mouths here.”
“I don’t give a s*** about …..”
The man in white waves his hand and Jerry stops talking. His eyes get wide and he puts his hands to his throat.
“I told you, no foul mouths”. He waves his hand again and Jerry says, “OK, ok. How’d you do that? That hand wave thing? And who did you say you were?”
“I just..., never mind, it's not important. I work for the Gatekeeper. My name is Al Gizmachi but you can call me Gizmo.”
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