This I How I Let It Go
These emotions became cataclysmic,
An apocalyptic event inside this cavernous soul,
Nothing but ghost inhabit this land of control,
A concentration camp where love comes to die,
You can’t imagine this weight,
The crushing magnitude of inhabiting alone,
I witness miracles pass that fence,
Nothing but numb,
Fantastic multitudes of thought converging on that nerve,
I severe,
Silent pleading, amplified scars,
Awaiting a nuclear explosion to restart this all,
My day consist of wake and sleep,
Reflections on the past, and a hard to swallow future,
I made a martyr in this skin,
Created a place far from the reach of possibility,
Starring out of empty windows,
I see the grass is truly greener on the other side,
I try to dispel this notion,
I am the untouchable man,
What need have I for shared smiles?
I’ve altered the perception of my desires,
Just to find some Buddhist level of separation,
Some deeper level of meditation,
Some place where the pain will cease to exist,
I can’t even imagine the word lost,
Or I will suffocate on it,
But in here I am free,
Free as I will ever be,
To coexist along side your reality,
To live vicariously through the throng of passing dead,
Not a thought of life alive in that head,
Just wonderers, searching for that next fix,
I do not know their names, I create their characters,
Interpret their interactions,
Smile as the story progresses from one day to the next,
Confused by their laughter,
Somehow they reached me here,
Ignited a spark in the dark, and left me feeling,
Beyond conscious choice I love them all,
They provide a diversion,
A moment reprieve from the anxiety crawling through my chest,
That time is winding to an end,
The past will find me out and catch me in my hiding spots,
And I know there is no salvation,
I must open myself to everything,
And let happiness illuminate those places I guard so well,
Those deepest recesses that are all my own,
Naked, standing before the world,
I’m afraid to have the pain lifted,
To have the burden extinguished,
What will my excuse be then?
Copyright © James Ferguson | Year Posted 2017
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